The Irish Conspiracy
Dean JohnsPublished: Apr 2, 2008 11:31 AM | Updated: Apr 2, 2008 12:04 PM
As I write this on April Fool’s Day, the timing seems right to dispel for once and for all the loony theory propounded by the likes of Dr M that there’s a Jewish conspiracy to rule the world, and that Anwar Ibrahim is its puppet.
It’s not the Jews, I can now reveal, it’s the Irish. Or should I say, being half Hibernian by descent on my mother’s side, us Irish.
Eire’s long-held secret is revealed in this exclusive
Malaysiakini
report - beware, the Irish are everywhere.
As I write this on April Fool’s Day, the timing seems right to dispel for once and for all the loony theory propounded by the likes of Dr M that there’s a Jewish conspiracy to rule the world, and that Anwar Ibrahim is its puppet.
It’s not the Jews, I can now reveal, it’s the Irish. Or should I say, being half Hibernian by descent on my mother’s side, us Irish.
From time immemorial, while the paranoids and other assorted psychos have been busy suspecting everybody from the Zionists to the keepers of the DaVinci Code to be plotting global rule, we’ve been gradually getting humanity dancing to the tune we’ve been plucking on the strings of Erin’s harp.
We’ve kept our movement pretty quiet until now, pretending to be too thick or drunk or both to pose any serious threat to anyone beyond the odd bar brawl or a few centuries of anti-British terrorism.
But behind that mindless sham we’ve been rocking the planet to its very foundations - migrating to new-world countries in such immense numbers that it’s amazing that the US didn’t call itself the United States of O’Merica or that the nation of my birth never became known as O’Stralia.
Meanwhile we were busy buying up much of the world’s oil, known back home, of course, as O’Il, which is how some of the major countries producing the stuff sound suspiciously Irish, as in Saudi O’Rabia and O’Raq, and the cartel controlling supply is called O’Pec .
Looking at world history as revealed in its true Irish light, you’ll recognise the influence of one of our better-known organisations, the IRA , just about everywhere. In the ostensibly independent republic of IRAn, obviously, as well as a wide variety of institutions ranging from Malaysia’s notorious Irish Security Act to that tool of first-world economic oppression from which Dr M saved Malaysia back in the dark days of the Asian Financial Crisis, the IMF or Irish Monetary Fund.
And now that I’ve revealed Eire’s long-held secret in this exclusive Malaysiakini report, and you know our Irish jig is up, you’ll be aware of our influence in world affairs through agents as diverse as O’Sama bin Laden and Barack O’Bama. And you’ll see that we’re obviously the actual power behind the O’Pposition everywhere from Malaysia to Zimbabwe, and indeed wherever our famous truth serum, Guinness, is sold.
More effective shaming
But possibly the proudest of Ireland’s glorious achievement has been the O’Lympic Games. Until now we’ve always let the Greeks take the credit for inventing them. But there have been clues from time to time for the astute to read. For example, it was Irishman James Joyce, who wrote ‘Ulysses’, the famous novel named in honour of the ancient ‘Greek’ voyager otherwise known as O’Dysseus.
And now the IOC is using the forthcoming 2008 O’Lympics to play the ultimate Irish joke: staging this ultimate symbol of international togetherness, fair play and good fellowship in the world’s biggest and most notorious dictatorship, Communist China.
The O’Lympic Committee has tried the same trick before, of course, in 1936 in Berlin, in hopes of helping appease Adolph Hitler’s ambitions for his Nazi Third Reich. But that didn’t work too well, as three years later it was followed by World War II.
Lots of lovers of freedom and democracy around the world are calling for a boycott of the Beijing O’Lympics. This would be poetically appropriate in an Irish sort of way, as it was in Ireland that tenants ostracised the eponymous Captain Boycott for refusing to reduce their crippling rents.
I’m against the boycott myself, however, as I believe that the Chinese Communist Party will be infinitely more effectively shamed by the protests by exiled Tibetans and other dissidents that have already started dogging the progress of the O’Lympic torch relay.
I love the logo that protesters against the Chinese regime have designed expressly for their purpose: a facsimile of the famous O’Lympic rings, composed of handcuffs.
I also love the fact that, as the Chinese authorities haven’t yet realised in their enthusiasm to show it off, that the so-called ‘bird’s nest’ design of the main O’Lympic stadium looks more like a bundle – of people, of freedoms, of whatever you like – brutally bound with tapes of concrete and steel and bursting to be freed from its bonds.
To make matters even more embarrassing, this symbol of China’s ‘progress’ under totalitarian rule is shrouded in thick smog, reminding the viewer that another price the people are paying for the system that socially and politically enslaves them is some of the world’s worst pollution - including water so suspect that some teams are bringing a clean supply with them; produce so full of poison that the US team is intending to import its own food; and air so unhealthy that some athletes have started wondering whether they’re prepared to risk breathing it.
If you’re starting to suspect by now that the Irish Conspiracy is anti-Chinese, forget it. What we Irish are against is repression. Of ourselves by the British, as happened for centuries. And of anyone else by their rulers, anywhere and everywhere it happens, from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe, and especially in the worst of all cases, China.
As everybody knows, China is an ancient civilisation, whose people were showing their genius for agriculture, the arts and invention while most of the rest of us were still stuck back in the stone age. But thanks to a string of emperors and their modern-day successors, the people of China - a quarter of the world’s population - have never in all of recorded history enjoyed a day’s freedom.
Injustice so enduring, and on so monumental a scale, really brings out the ire in us Irish. And I’m proud to be part of the Conspiracy to change things for the better, however much of a fool - April or otherwise - I might make myself look in the process.
It’s not the Jews, I can now reveal, it’s the Irish. Or should I say, being half Hibernian by descent on my mother’s side, us Irish.
From time immemorial, while the paranoids and other assorted psychos have been busy suspecting everybody from the Zionists to the keepers of the DaVinci Code to be plotting global rule, we’ve been gradually getting humanity dancing to the tune we’ve been plucking on the strings of Erin’s harp.
We’ve kept our movement pretty quiet until now, pretending to be too thick or drunk or both to pose any serious threat to anyone beyond the odd bar brawl or a few centuries of anti-British terrorism.
But behind that mindless sham we’ve been rocking the planet to its very foundations - migrating to new-world countries in such immense numbers that it’s amazing that the US didn’t call itself the United States of O’Merica or that the nation of my birth never became known as O’Stralia.Meanwhile we were busy buying up much of the world’s oil, known back home, of course, as O’Il, which is how some of the major countries producing the stuff sound suspiciously Irish, as in Saudi O’Rabia and O’Raq, and the cartel controlling supply is called O’Pec .
Looking at world history as revealed in its true Irish light, you’ll recognise the influence of one of our better-known organisations, the IRA , just about everywhere. In the ostensibly independent republic of IRAn, obviously, as well as a wide variety of institutions ranging from Malaysia’s notorious Irish Security Act to that tool of first-world economic oppression from which Dr M saved Malaysia back in the dark days of the Asian Financial Crisis, the IMF or Irish Monetary Fund.
And now that I’ve revealed Eire’s long-held secret in this exclusive Malaysiakini report, and you know our Irish jig is up, you’ll be aware of our influence in world affairs through agents as diverse as O’Sama bin Laden and Barack O’Bama. And you’ll see that we’re obviously the actual power behind the O’Pposition everywhere from Malaysia to Zimbabwe, and indeed wherever our famous truth serum, Guinness, is sold.More effective shaming
But possibly the proudest of Ireland’s glorious achievement has been the O’Lympic Games. Until now we’ve always let the Greeks take the credit for inventing them. But there have been clues from time to time for the astute to read. For example, it was Irishman James Joyce, who wrote ‘Ulysses’, the famous novel named in honour of the ancient ‘Greek’ voyager otherwise known as O’Dysseus.
And now the IOC is using the forthcoming 2008 O’Lympics to play the ultimate Irish joke: staging this ultimate symbol of international togetherness, fair play and good fellowship in the world’s biggest and most notorious dictatorship, Communist China.
The O’Lympic Committee has tried the same trick before, of course, in 1936 in Berlin, in hopes of helping appease Adolph Hitler’s ambitions for his Nazi Third Reich. But that didn’t work too well, as three years later it was followed by World War II.Lots of lovers of freedom and democracy around the world are calling for a boycott of the Beijing O’Lympics. This would be poetically appropriate in an Irish sort of way, as it was in Ireland that tenants ostracised the eponymous Captain Boycott for refusing to reduce their crippling rents.
I’m against the boycott myself, however, as I believe that the Chinese Communist Party will be infinitely more effectively shamed by the protests by exiled Tibetans and other dissidents that have already started dogging the progress of the O’Lympic torch relay.
I love the logo that protesters against the Chinese regime have designed expressly for their purpose: a facsimile of the famous O’Lympic rings, composed of handcuffs.
I also love the fact that, as the Chinese authorities haven’t yet realised in their enthusiasm to show it off, that the so-called ‘bird’s nest’ design of the main O’Lympic stadium looks more like a bundle – of people, of freedoms, of whatever you like – brutally bound with tapes of concrete and steel and bursting to be freed from its bonds.To make matters even more embarrassing, this symbol of China’s ‘progress’ under totalitarian rule is shrouded in thick smog, reminding the viewer that another price the people are paying for the system that socially and politically enslaves them is some of the world’s worst pollution - including water so suspect that some teams are bringing a clean supply with them; produce so full of poison that the US team is intending to import its own food; and air so unhealthy that some athletes have started wondering whether they’re prepared to risk breathing it.
If you’re starting to suspect by now that the Irish Conspiracy is anti-Chinese, forget it. What we Irish are against is repression. Of ourselves by the British, as happened for centuries. And of anyone else by their rulers, anywhere and everywhere it happens, from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe, and especially in the worst of all cases, China.
As everybody knows, China is an ancient civilisation, whose people were showing their genius for agriculture, the arts and invention while most of the rest of us were still stuck back in the stone age. But thanks to a string of emperors and their modern-day successors, the people of China - a quarter of the world’s population - have never in all of recorded history enjoyed a day’s freedom.
Injustice so enduring, and on so monumental a scale, really brings out the ire in us Irish. And I’m proud to be part of the Conspiracy to change things for the better, however much of a fool - April or otherwise - I might make myself look in the process.
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