feature Not all man are abusive, but overwhelmingly men are the abusers and women are the victims. Men beat women up because they feel they have the right to do so. They think that their feelings are superior than that of a woman's.

Men make the choice on how they vent their aggressions and on whom. Most often men who beat their wives do not hit their bosses, colleagues or male friends. They usually choose someone they perceive as weaker. They pick on those whom they believe are not protected by society.

And some men blame 'their blood' for having turned into monsters.

Joseph comes from a broken family. His father was an alcoholic and womaniser. Joseph watched his mother being abused when he was 10 years old. He saw his father dally with the neighbour's wife. The situation took a turn for the worse when 'the other woman' became pregnant and was brought to live with Joseph's family.

His mother, unable to put up with her husband, left the house with her elder daughter. Joseph was left to live with 'the other woman'. He was physically abused by her.

Joseph is now 27 and has not been able to hold down a steady job, or maintain a steady relationship for long. Women after women have walked out on him. And as he grows older, his abusive tendency increases. In his last relationship, Joseph threatened his girlfriend with a cleaver. Yet another woman was belted. And the last one was forced to drink soap water to prove her love for him. The girl eventually left him ... ironically after much persuasion.

On the prowl

Joseph is now is on the prowl for his next victim. It is only a matter on time before he nets another pretty young thing. The suave Joseph wastes no time in bringing home women he picks up in swanky nightclubs around town. His boyish good looks and 'Russel Crowe' voice melts not only the women's heart but those of their mother, too. He is the kind of guy whom a girl would want to bring home to mama.

But this mama's boy will only end up beating you to a pulp. And you will be left wondering if the abuse was somehow your fault.

There can be no excuse to justify abuse. But most of the time men need no excuse to abuse.

Although Joseph knows he is abusive he cannot stop these tendencies. "It is in my blood," he said as if justifying his behaviour

The alcohol, indulgence in recreational drugs and philandering lifestyle do not make things better for the women who befriend him.

Can abusive men change?

First, men who abuse must want to change. It is possible for men to learn to change how they act and to learn new ways of relating to women.

If a man really wants to stop the violence against his partner, he must take responsibility for what he does. He must stop blaming his partner, alcohol, drugs and stress for the violence.

How do you know if the abuser is changing?

Some of the signs to indicate he is changing include:

  • He has completely stopped saying and doing things that frighten you

  • You express anger toward him without being punished for it

  • He argues without being abusive or domineering

  • He respects your wishes about sex and physical contact

  • He stopped expecting you to do things for him

  • You can spend time with friends without being afraid that he'll retaliate

  • You are comfortable with the way he interacts with children

  • You feel safe leaving the children alone with him

  • He is supportive, even compliments you and is willing to listen

  • He shares the housework and childcare

    • Some signs he is not changing:

  • You feel unsafe to bring up topics that you know will upset him

  • He neither listens nor respects your opinion

  • He does not want to go for counselling or treatment. And he uses this against you

  • He tells you that you are abusive

  • He tells you that you owe him another chance

  • He tries to get you and the children to feel sorry for him

  • He makes abuse sound a lot less than what it really is when he talks about it

  • He is pressuring you to drop the protection order

    • PRASANA CHANDRAN is a member of the malaysiakini team. This is the third article in a series to highlight the issue of 'Violence Against Women' in conjunction with International Day Against Violence Against Women on Nov 25.

    A 16-day campaign is also on the roll all around the world since Nov 25 to raise awareness of all forms of violence against women in their communities.

    The campaign also highlights other significant dates such as Dec 1, which is World Aids Day, and Dec 6, which marks the anniversary of the Montreal Massacre in which a man launched into a shooting spree at Montreal University's School of Engineering building, killing 14 women.