feature Putdowns, insults, threats, and open disregard are just as damaging as physical abuse. In instances of emotional abuse there is no visible damage to prove that hurt had taken place. To the untrained eye, no physical harm equals no harm at all. How would a victim then seek sympathy?

Case 1: Four years of putting up with an abusive partner left Mary teetering on self-destruction. She first met and fell in love with John, a dashing musician, a week after her 18th birthday. He swept her off her feet with love songs and his 'Russell Crowe' voice. The honeymoon lasted a year.

Then, signs of abuse began to appear - imperceptibly at first.

Mary cooked, cleaned and kept house. John came home less often, and women frequently called his home. When they were together John never said a kind word unless he wanted sex.

He'd bring women home on the pretext they were friends from work, then go out with them. Despite his mocking her, the very young Mary loved her man, and so made excuses to herself for his misbehaviour. In the process, her self-confidence and self-worth eroded. She suffered from depression. She lost interest in life and frequently thought of suicide.

She was saved in the nick of time by help from counsellors. She then left John and his hobo haunt, after three years of misery.

Gruesome insensitivity

Case 2: Jane married an emotionally abusive man who openly flirted with her close friend. He even had the audacity to sneak off with Jane's friend late at night. When she told her mother, Jane was blamed for not knowing how to handle her man. Divorce was not a choice for the traditionist Jane, and so until today she remains married to Tom. Jane's friend, too, remains in the picture.

Case 3: Two years into her relationship, Amy became pregnant with her boyfriend's child. When she told him about this he immediately wanted her to have an abortion She did not resist. After the abortion there was no sign of Amy's boyfriend for weeks. When she saw him again, he did not ask how she felt. Instead, he asked if "everything was out". "He asked me if I was sure that the 'bottle' (used to contain the 'result' of an abortion) had been filled up," said Amy holding back tears as she relived the gruesome insensitivity the man she loved had shown her.

His insensitivity and contempt only worsened with time. Amy was too distraught and ashamed to talk to friends. Her guilt drove her to drink more and more and she smoked heavily. She took sedatives to sleep and was on anti-depressant medication.

All three women whose names have been changed to protect their identity, say that they were afraid people may dismiss them as being overly sensitive and unreasonable. They were afraid that people would ridicule them for their actions or inactions.

The women suffered emotional or psychological abuse. None of them were beaten up or threatened. But the grief they endured is real and hurtful as it comes. And it has driven other women to attempt suicide.

Besides the examples above, there are other forms of emotional abuse. When a man deliberately cuts off his wife from family and friends, he is abusing her.

Uttering remarks such as "your mother annoys me" or "I do not like your friends", and stopping their wives from keeping in touch with their family are common methods men use to keep their spouses from getting help.

Some openly humiliate their wives in front of friends. They constantly find fault with their spouses. They are not happy with what their wives wear, nor are they grateful for the food prepared. The house is never clean or tidy enough, the children are out of control.

Recognising emotional abuse

Women out there, ask yourself these questions: Do you constantly have to account for where you have been and whom you have been with? Does your spouse or partner seethe with anger when you are out with friends and come home a little late? Are you totally financially dependent on him? Are you isolated from the support you need and are unable to leave?

If you find yourself answering in the positive for most of the above questions you may want to speak to someone about it. If you need help, call:

1) Women's Aid Organisation - (03) 7956 3488
2) Women's Crisis Centre in Penang - (04) 228 0342
3) All Women Action Society (Awam) - (03) 7957 0224
4) Teledera - 1-800-883040, or
5) Befrienders - (03) 7556 8144

If you are forced to watch pornographic films, pictures from magazines or on the Net, it is sexual abuse. To be inflicted with pain during sex can constitute sexual abuse.

And no, women do not like it rough. Your husband or partner does not have the right to hurt you.

A woman who is kept totally dependent on her husband or partner and is isolated from the support of others suffers social abuse.

A woman who is prevented from seeking employment or is not allowed to have a bank account or keep any of her income, suffers financial abuse. Having no control of money keeps a woman totally dependent and at the whim of others, most of all her partner, for even her basic needs.

Emotional abuse is abuse in every sense of the word. If you know you're being abused, don't wait - seek help before you are pushed over the brink.

PRASANA CHANDRAN is a member of the malaysiakini team. This is the second article in a series to highlight the issue of ''Violence Against Women'' in conjunction with International Day Against Violence Against Women on Nov 25. The next article is on 'why men batter'.

A 16-day campaign is also on the roll all around the world since Nov 25 to raise awareness of all forms of violence against women in their communities.

The campaign also highlights other significant dates such as Dec 1, which is World Aids Day, and Dec 6, which marks the anniversary of the Montreal Massacre in which a man launched into a shooting spree at Montreal University''s School of Engineering building, killing 14 women.