You won't believe this, but I swear that a few weeks ago I witnessed a member of one of the many farcical organisations billing themselves as polis doing something sensible and helpful.

I really did, honest. Oops..bit of a blow to the old credibility to use the ''h' word about a Malaysian cop, but I'm sticking to my story.

There I was, cruising along at a steady 10 km/h in the bumper-to-bumper weekend jam on the Ipoh-KL stretch of the NKVE, watching the usual stream of nitwits speeding by in the emergency lane.

Along came a white Proton Wira with polis signs and lights on it, also in the emergency lane, but proceeding at the same crawling pace as me and my fellow solid citizens in the traffic lanes, thus effectively blocking the opportunists behind and clearing the emergency lane in front in case it was needed for the tow-trucks and ambulances for which it is intended.

When my passengers and I spied this sane and responsible piece of policing, we all spontaneously cheered and gave the cop the thumbs-up sign, and he responded with a shy but triumphant grin. I really hope he felt as proud of himself as he deserved to, as he was one of the pitifully few police personnel that I've seen in this country actually doing his job properly.

Most of the police I see appear to be doing nothing in particular. Driving around in marked cars, usually without their seatbelts on, and utterly heedless of all the people who either overtake them at speed or commit any number of other atrocious traffic offences right before their eyes.

About the only other high-visibility police presence I'm aware of are those collections of uniformed clowns on big motorcycles using their sirens and hand-signals to carve pathways through clots of traffic caused by us mere plebs, presumably so the black-windowed vehicles they're escorting can speed VIPs to Very Important Appointments, or their Very Important Offspring to or from school, or their Very Important Wives or Mistresses to high teas or shopping trips.

Occasionally, I must admit, I see some fellow motorist who has been pulled over by the crew of a police vehicle. Possible to be booked for some alleged offence or another, but just as likely, from my personal experience, to be offered the tempting alternative of a deeply-discounted 'on-the-spot fine', or of course a bribe.

I also from time to time see police visiting eating establishments and engaging the owners or managers in earnest conversation. This little chat, I'm told by one food-shop proprietor I'm familiar with, customarily consists of a request to see the papers of the foreigners working in the establishment.

It is followed by a suggestion that their papers look like forgeries, and that the "suspects" will be taken to the station for a few hours for further investigation - and, who knows, perhaps for a few nude ear-squats for any nubile females among them - unless their hapless employer pays a fee for the whole matter to be forgotten.

Creative policing

Another form of creative policing, I discover, is the one of which my wife is currently a victim. Several months ago she had a traffic accident. To avoid running into the back of the vehicle in front of her when it suddenly braked, she swerved and hit the concrete divider.

Hers was the only vehicle damaged, nobody was injured, and a police examination of the scene failed to find any evidence of her driving excessively fast.

But Sarjen M of the Petaling Jaya traffic police charged her under Section 43(1). She was subsequently informed by a recently-retired senior officer in the Traffic Branch that this usually applies in situations involving death, injury or criminal negligence.

The reason she was charged under Section 43(1) became clear when a group of tow truck drivers-cum-touts who were taking an interest in her case, after shuttling back and forth several times between her and the sarjen's office, told her that Section 43(1) carried a maximum fine of RM10,000, but that she could fix things for just RM4000 cash.

After she declined this generous offer, he later spoke to her, making no mention of money, but giving her his handphone number, urging her to call him next day so her case could be "settled". My wife didn't call, of course, but she did mention the offer to one of his superior officers, an inspector.

He replied that though he had only recently been transferred to the area, he had become aware of Sarjen M's tendency to charge relatively minor offenders under Section 43(1) and that he had repeatedly instructed him to desist, but to no effect.

When her case came up at the PJ Magistrate's Court, (located in a narrow lane which, despite its bright yellow kerbside stripes and 'Clamping Zone' sign, is routinely lined with parked police and other official cars), she pleaded not guilty of any offence, let along one as serious as Section 43(1).

The magistrate, clearly a merciful man, as he had fined an earlier defendant a mere RM150 for a cluster of offences including driving without a licence in a car with no road tax and false number plates, told her he wasn't empowered to change the charge, but that he would postpone her case pending her writing the police a letter requesting that they do so.

Two letters and one more court appearance later, she's had no response. So apparently the police are as slow to respond to communications as Sarjen M and others are quick to offer cash settlements.

Citizen action?

I relate this long story, not in the hope that my wife's case will be expedited by the constabulary or the court to avoid adverse publicity, as that would constitute corrupt journalism and make me as contemptible as the people I'm criticising. I'm simply using it as a case in point about which I happen to be well-informed.

And I'm proud of my wife for not refusing to pay up, just as admire another Malaysian I know who, when regularly stopped for exceeding the speed limit, always refuses on principle to discuss an 'on-the-spot cash saving' and instead demands to be given a proper summons.

Of course not all of Malaysia's police are rotten apples. The one I cited at the beginning of this article, for example, seemed to be doing his job without expectation of under-the-counter payment, and I'm sure that lots of people reading this could supply me with many more examples.

Nevertheless the fact remains that far too many Malaysian police are a disgrace, not merely to themselves, their organisation, their families, friends, race and religion, but also to all those of us who have encouraged and colluded with them - myself included on a couple of occasions in the distant past, by giving them cash instead of the cold shoulder.

Which gives me what I think could be a great if obvious idea. Let's not wait any longer for the police to start cleaning-up their own act - their laziness, corruption, incompetence and, to judge by the suspiciously high number of injuries and deaths that occur among 'suspects' and those unfortunates who find themselves in custody, brutality to boot.

And let's not even bother pressing for the formation of some powerful external agency to enforce police probity, as it will likely never happen, and even if it does it'll probably prove as powerless as the ACA appears to be.

Instead of relying on the police to clean-up their own act, or the 'the authorities' to do it for us, let's hit them where it would hurt them most: their pockets.

Maybe a citizens' black-ban on back-handers to the polis would encourage this farcical force to polish up its act.

DEAN JOHNS is an Australian freelance journalist now living in Kuala Lumpur and a former occasional columnist for the Sydney Morning Herald.