I needed a new wallet. This epiphany of sorts came to me as I waited for the Aerotrain that would snatch me from the airport terminal that signified to me the comforts of home, good food and back-to-back futsal games, to the cavernous depths of a 747 that would, in the space of twelve hours, send me back to this other home I had that was synonymous with rain, hard work and the absence of free time.

You see, what happened was I took out my wallet from my knapsack to check, for the kejillionth time, that I had all my debit cards and IDs with me, and having extracted it upside down, everything just fell out, splat, onto the floor.

Ooops

I muttered a curt expletive, but was somewhat relieved that I had just missed the previous train, so there weren't too many people milling about on the platform. I bent down to pick up the contents of my wallet, which, at that moment, was splayed quite nicely on the floor, and this was when I heard the voice go 'Ooops'. Then a snigger and a laugh. I looked behind me and noticed a young man, not much older than me, very metrosexual (read: camp) and well groomed, complete with one of those expensive, leather, carry-on trolley thingy.

A quick look around confirmed my suspicions. There was no one else on the platform, he was not on his mobile, and he was looking at me. "Cheh. Gelakkan aku. Bukan nak tolong," I said to myself. (*Note: The above scenario actually happened in the space of a few seconds, and took nowhere near as long as it took to describe it).

Now, had I been a Readers' Digest operative on a quest to find the world's most polite city, this well-educated, I-speak-with-an-accent bloke would have failed the 'dropped document' test one of three simple, courtesy testing scenarios they put used in a study that seemed to have riled up quite a few people. Although my input would not have really made things any better. Out of thirty-five cities worldwide, Kuala Lumpur ranked third last.

The Malaysian public reaction to this study was mixed. A local Malay daily published a letter from someone who sounded like a distinguished gentleman (I could well be wrong, but I am being polite), who was clearly incensed at the results, and somewhere in between the lines you could read the indignation that the study was conducted by a Western publication based on Western standards; surely this was yet another Western conspiracy? Another local daily ran a poll, asking the general public whether they agreed that Malaysians were rude. The answer was, overwhelmingly 'yes' just look at us on the roads, one reader responded. The response that takes the denial cake and could probably eat it too, though, was another letter to the editor to a Malay daily, who conveniently placed the blame of KL being the third rudest city on yes, you've guessed it immigrants. It's never us, is it? It's always them them them.

So, are we or aren't we? Rude, that is. Or maybe rude is too strong a word to use. Maybe I should use the phrase, do we lack manners? What is manners, anyway? Defined, manners mean 'the socially correct way of acting'; 'prevailing customs, social conduct and norms of a specific society'. Which means its contextual. What is good manners in one social context, may not be seen as such in another.

Ahah, I can hear you say, chinks in the test's armour. Maybe that's why we failed or rather, that's why most Asian nations failed. The test was, after all, set by a Western publication; surely based on Western standards of good manners. But one would argue that if Readers' Digest were to conduct a study on a global scale, surely they would find actions that were deemed courteous no matter where you were. The fact that the study focused only on three, instead of a long list of items, was perhaps testament to this complex myriad of social customs what are three things that you would expect, no matter where you were, would be a courteous course of action?

The three 'tests' they chose: whether you would hold the door open if there was someone directly behind you; whether you would stop to help (or would you say oops and snigger) if someone dropped documents near you; and whether as a salesperson, after making a sale, would you say 'Thank You'. Innocuous enough, I would imagine, and apart from the dropped documents test, which in some countries, people saw as a potential pickpocketing ploy, the tests did signify, in my most humble of opinions, common manners. But are they universal values?

Malaysian ego

Perhaps what hurt the Malaysian ego the most is that we often think of ourselves as a polite society. In fact, that's what we sell ourselves on. "We are warm and friendly!" scream the tourism brochures. "You will love our hospitality!" shouts another. "Come to Malaysia, we'll treat you well". Yes, for a country that counts tourism as one of its major sources of foreign cash inflow, being seen as welcoming, kind and open is a reputation we cannot afford to lose.

And to that end, I conjecture that we're good with tourists. Especially certain groups of tourists, I might add. Not so others. But the bottom line is, with tourists I think we're pretty ok on the politeness scale. Our service industry is well-trained for that ever been to a five-star hotel and not have a doorman open the door for you? It's when the common man on the street meets another common man on the street that true colours seem to shine, and the gray shades of indifference are at their starkest.

Which is another interesting conundrum why is it that when we're dealing with people from abroad, and let's face it- I am holding nothing back here, even at the risk of public lynching from the expatriate community in KL - in particular people with fairer skin, we are suddenly well-mannered and polite? And yet, when it comes to our fellow Malaysians, we reserve the same level of courtesy only for people with certain prefixes in front of their names? What, are general displays of kindness now subject to some elitist regime? You know, like the receptionist at the hospital who is suddenly all smiles when she sees my father's staff ID card with his academic title next to his name. Or the shopgirl who suddenly takes a different tone of voice when the selipar jepun wearing uncle yields his Amex card with his real, royalty-prefixed name on it.

And in the same vein, while the study reported no difference in the attitudes towards different genders, one wonders if ethnicities would play a part. Would an Asian in London or a Hispanic in New York be treated in the same way as a Caucasian American would? If someone like me were to drop my documents, hijabbed and all, would people run away instead, for fear that helping me would be tantamount to assisting a potential bomber of some sort? (Dear CIA / FBI / MI5, I am not a bomber, I am your most benign of peaceniks. I am merely using this to illustrate stereotypes some people have. That is, some, not all).

There is another interesting observation that came out of the study that Asian nations were all ranked in the bottom half of the table. Again, is there a cultural bias, or could it really have to do with economic development? Western nations have plateaued in their quest for affluence and comfort; their quality of life is decidedly better compared to the dog-eat-dog scenario of the fast-paced lives of countries still climbing that mountain, at a pace dictated by the more developed cities, no less. Perhaps being in that comfort zone allows more time for people to think about others, as opposed to the hectic every-man-for-himself attitude people chasing something often embody.

More questions

The study in no way attempted to be scientific or conclusive the publication admitted this with no qualms. As one friend jokingly said, any study that put New York at the top of a courtesy list must lack scientific integrity. But I think its results raises more questions that it has answered. I mean, what stopped me from asking the lost-looking African man whether I could help him, where as seconds ago I was very much willing to help someone who looked like a fellow Asian? What shapes our attitudes towards other people? What colours our perception of others? Why do we pick and choose when it comes to displaying our best behaviour who are we out to impress, and what really do we gain from it?

And why are we concerned about manners anyway? Surely there are other pressing things that are worth looking into? But to that I say, try having a bad day and being greeted with a smile at a shop counter, a stranger opening the door as we struggle with our shopping and a Gothic looking young man helping us when we dropped that sheaf of paperwork at the car door while fumbling for our keys. Suddenly the weight of our own burdens are lifted by those very simple gestures, and somehow we shift focus from thinking about ourselves to thinking about others just because another person did so too. There are too many unjustified wars, too many careless bombs, too many senseless deaths today. We could all do with a little kindness. Yes, even you.

IDLAN ZAKARIA is proud of the fact that she did not mention the words 'World Cup' even once in the article above.