Y

We were just walkin', you know? We had lunch and went out for smokes by the beach, and I remember asking her, what the hell was that? I looked up and everything seemed normal: blue skies, big, fluffy clouds, Daddy was makin' sure the resort was good, the launch was a blast, and I said to her, is that a wall in the sea or what?

I mean, it was this huge, black thing that was just there. It wasn't even like it rose out from the sea or anything, suddenly it was just there, and we stood there with our cigarettes, staring and then we noticed that the wall was coming.

To us.

Fast.

I don't know what happened after that. Bang! I was out like a light, and when I opened my eyes, it was Daddy holding onto this coconut tree and holding my hair, so I wouldn't drown, I guess, and I couldn't call Mommy 'cause the water was just so much.

We couldn't find Mommy and everyone else for what? Days? Next thing I knew I was in hospital, I injured my back and I kept screaming for Mommy, Daddy, everyone.

I think it was about a week or two later when we found her.

Mommy went crazy.

I heard this from Daddy. They found her. She was like this, you know, fish that died and landed on the beach? That was her. They knew it was her because of the ring.

I miss her so much.

You know me. Us. I mean, why didn't God take me, instead of her? I'm the f****d up one. You know, among all of us, it was she that asked Mommy, 'Mommy, can you teach me to pray the way you do? The Moslem way?' We used to think she was a prat, Mommy's pet, 'cause she was the youngest. We were wild. We used to laugh behind Mommy's back, 'cause we thought she prayed funny. I mean, it's not like religion's such hot shit in America.

And look at me now. All that crack and E have screwed me up, and all I can say is Al-laa, though I don't really believe in Him, and the one that God took was she. She who believed and followed Mommy praying.

Why her? She was so good. So pure. Take me instead. Because hell is on earth already for me and I can't bear to hear Mommy crying in the dark anymore.

You know Mommy's going for what.. the Hajj thing, right? You gotta help me. You gotta stop my Mom from going. I can't lose her. I'm scared she'll die there. I know it's a holy place but you can't trust these Arabs, they're terrorists. You have to help me, Dina. I can't sleep, because I see her everywhere, and if Mommy dies too, I will kill myself. There's nobody in America to take care of me.

I'm all alone here.

On some mornings, I wake up, her pleas in my ears.

Penang

Oh your uncle owns a resort? Think you can recommend me? Can ah? Can ah? You know, ever since the tsunami happened, it's been weird here. Weather like shit, sea also like shit. Business is still good, but I need to get out of here. You can recommend me to your uncle, huh? Can ah?

Kuala Lumpur

"Oh you look wonderful! How was the trip? Oh I have to talk to you. You have to help me, you have to, I need to know how you got through the night and day and through the dark and light, because you have been through hell and back and you still look well and I need to know how you do it so I can save my children. Susah, susah, I keep telling them, I'm not expecting Talibans, but for God's sakes, pray! Fine you don't want prayers forced down on you, then zikir Allah is Great, but no, these kids are so modern these days, I tell you, but don't tell anyone this, but sometimes a glass of red does wonders for your nerves. I know it's haraam but I am going crazy. How do you think I survived all those years? Hah? I may not have been a perfect Muslim but I chanted His name all the time and I come back here to salvage their already broken lives, bapak hilang, duit harta tak da, (missing father, no money) wanted to put some sense of religion and culture in them, you know, roots? Roots! And now that this has happened, even more, they should pray. You know what happened right? No? Your mother didn't tell you? Come here, I don't want people to know."

Silence.

"I am praying the price indeed. Four wild kids that don't even know what they are, one crackpot ex in Europe, and I'm falling to pieces. What zikir do you chant when you are down? What's that? There's no God but Allah and Mohammad is His Messenger? Oh that's great, that's short, we can do that, but susah. Susah. I gave everything up so that we had some semblance of home. This was a big sacrifice, you know. But children. Wait 'til you have your own."

Shuffling of feet.

"Will you come to the house one day and talk to them? Just tell them, they'll get through this all right."

Good night, Mother

"Are you visiting them?"

"I don't know."

"You have to."

"I'm not much use to anyone. All I can do is write."

"You have to."

Light is switched off.

"Good night."

"Night, Mum."

DINA ZAMAN lives with her family in Kuala Lumpur. You may email her at dina@malaysiakini.com.