My oldest son is only 21 years younger than I am. When he was born, I was convinced that I would be the most hip and cool mama around and that there would be no generation gap between us. I was wrong.

As my son was getting older, the Asian way of child rearing - one that expects or demands children to obey and respect authority through the imposition of authoritarian measures - did not work too well with him. Like a typical teenager, the centrifugal forces pulled him away from the centre that I used to inhabit.

Despite this and because of the elasticity of our strong family relationship, Hafiz eventually allowed the centripetal forces of nature to pull him back to the original centre (in which the dynamics of our relationship has evolved and taken up a new shape). So, Hafiz still turned out to be a fine young man.

Looking back at my growing-up years, I find that each generation has had to negotiate this 'push and pull' factor in child rearing. By 'living in a democratic context' I learned what freedom and responsibility means.

My parents, who both started off as teachers, were Brinsford trained. They instilled in my sister, brother and me the 'spaces of discipline and dialogue'. Those years taught me the meaning of character education and gave me an anchor in ethics and values.

There was another significant turn of events in my life. After I sat the Malaysian Certificate of Examination in Kangar, Perlis, my parents agreed to let me become an exchange student in a mid-western town in Missouri, USA.

I spent a year as a high school senior, being immersed into a culture almost totally foreign to mine. I went through the cycles of adjustment and learned a great deal about what the American way of child rearing is. My host parents whom I still call mom and dad and whom my children now call Tok Vegiards, demonstrated what a family with strong ethics and values looked like and how freedom functions.

There were strict rules and regulations in this family as well, and there were 'spaces of dialogue' characteristic of American republican ideals.

My transition from the life of a young girl in the sleepy town of Kangar to the sleepy town of Fulton, Missouri was relatively smooth. The common variables of child-rearing styles in both families were almost the same (with the American way being a little more open), but the more radical difference was the cultural context.

Big picture

Those experiences informed me about parenting, but I still had to figure out my own style of parenting.

I have learned that good (or a close approximation of good) parenting requires flexibility and relearning. Good parenting also requires one to adopt eclectic parenting styles (that is, a unique repertoire of parenting strategies). And good parenting requires the reinventing of oneself without sacrificing core values that one learns through culture and religion.

I also had to learn to look at the big picture and not be too uptight about unimportant things. In addition, I have learned that the younger generation's outlook in life is not necessarily bad, it is just different. And as a pro-active parent, I needed to adjust to the times. By doing so, I have seen how giving an adolescent the licence to shape his destiny is a very empowering process for both parties; my son's and mine.

My job is not done. Now I still have four other children to negotiate the evolving 'spaces of discipline and dialogue' with.

Governing, to me, is like parenting. Sometimes our old fashioned ways can be enduring, but sometimes it can impede the nation's youth from achieving their full potential. Politicians should act like pro-active parents. They must evaluate their practices from time to time.

And when the old ways seem outdated, politicians should reinvent themselves in intelligent ways, not by coming up with half-baked ideas such as reducing a four-year degree programme to a three-year degree programme, insisting that certain subjects be taught in English before preparing the teaching force for it, or threatening to lodge a police report every time one raises a 'sensitive' issue, and so on.

Shape own destiny

Politicians should allow the youth the licence to shape their own destiny too. If we do not allow our youth to have multiple voices, how are they going to lead our nation in the future? The youth of Malaysia should be encouraged to be critical and open-minded. They should not just be turned into puppets on a string.

Let them embrace the centrifugal forces that might pull them away from the established political centre or let them embrace the present political centre (with an eye for humanistic renewal). If we have provided a strong foundation, the centripetal forces of nature will still allow them to evolve into responsible and ethical human beings. The changes that they are proposing may not be necessarily bad, they may just be different.

Lately, we have been doing our governing wrongly. The case of the 'ISA7' demonstrates our lack of intellectual preparation in dealing with student idealism. Another one, closer to my experience with an institution to which I was previously attached, is the case of Rizal Anan, suspended by Universiti Utara Malaysia for asking questions during a forum.

The control imposed on Malaysian university students is a microcosm of the larger society. The campus political climate should instead be a seedbed for newer brands of political climate for the larger society.

We need to allow students to engage in responsible activism. Good and responsible politicians, like good and responsible parents, should not be focused on the need to control through authoritarian means the humans that they are entrusted to take care of.

Instead, they should also look at the appropriateness of the relationship that they have created through the passage of time and make adjustments along the way. So, the authoritarian leadership/parenting style will only work to a certain extent, but it cannot and should not be used all the time.

Other styles of leadership/parenting need to be experimented with in different situations. Different leadership/parenting styles get different results. One style does not fit all situations.

In any case, the maxim - that government is best which governs least' - is an apt one to emulate.