It doesn't matter what number you are in the queue, as long as you're number one in his heart.

So says almost every second/third/fourth wife or mistress that I have had the fortune to meet.

Ah. The Other Woman.

In Malaysia there are two types of The Other Woman:

(a) The Mistress the girlfriend; the so-called soulmate that somehow marital bliss eludes; the one-night stand; the GRO he frequents and pretends she is the one, for two hours; the friend that sleeps with your husband.

(b) The Number Two. Or Three. Or Four. The Other Wife. Legal in the eyes of God and the law.

Reasons to marry

It used to be that these wives were Malaysian artistes or some kampung girl that needed a rich man to support her family.

These days, the wives are beautiful, accomplished and smart. They can have any man they want but they choose to be the hidden spouse. They claim it's love, but there are many other reasons for such marriages, such as: companionship. Sex. Yes I have my own money, but I like your money too. Like so-called normal and monogamous marriages, there are various reasons to get married. It could be as simple as the age factor, or practicality. If you actually believe that it's love that makes all men and women marry, don't kid yourself.

Polygamy or polygyny existed even before Islam came to the world. Harems, orgies, debauchery reigned: remember Caligula? Even in the civilised world that we live in now, polygamous societies exist. In certain Christian communities that dot Utah, America, polygamy is practised, to the disgust of lawmakers and American church leaders.

It's the same back home, but now there are more polygamous marriages among the rakyat. I know of a man that has his two wives living in apartments above each other. He's not rich. He's a multi-tasker.

The Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) was monogamous throughout his 25-year marriage to his first wife Khadija. The only virgin that he married was his second wife, Aishah and the rest were widowed or divorced women that he married, were for political or tribal reasons.

Surah An-Nisa (Verse 3) states that:

If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice two, three or four, but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one that will be more suitable to prevent you from doing injustice.

This to the naked eye of an unenlightened reader may be proof of God's permission for polygamous marriages, and how some men have abused this! As said earlier, it is permissible, but it really is not encouraged.

Before the Quran was revealed to the Believers, many men during the pre-Islamic era had many wives. Islam put a limit of four wives, and clearly it states in the same Surah, verse 129:

Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women (wives), even if it is your ardent desire: But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding, and practise self-restraint, Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.

Why it pays to be second best

The Other Wives that I spoke to seem to favour polygamy. As far as they are concerned, they don't bother the first wives, and they have their careers to think of. You'd be surprised to know that the Other Wives I know come from middle- to upper-middle-class backgrounds.

"Thank God I see him like once a week. When he's in a bad mood or sick, I tell him I'm busy, so his wife takes care of him. When he comes to me, it's all sweet."

"Really. It isn't as awful as it looks. I have the independence to do whatever I want, and I am in total control: he knows I can just walk out with my head high, so he behaves. Oh he behaves."

The Second Wives may grumble at the lack of husbandly companionship and wanting a 'proper marriage', but the benefits outweigh the pitfalls. They have youth and power on their side. Their high flying careers and freedom. You can't have everything in life you know.

And yes, they savour their reputations as the Other Wife.

Unlike the Mistress that waits and waits for the day he'll leave his wife for me and ends up bitter and lonely, the Number Twos et al marry their men.

They won.

Is this 21st century (Muslim) feminism then? To covet another woman's husband?

Talk to the young. All they want is a good life these days. These young punks don't care if men are married; what they want, they get.

We sure have come a long way, baby.

Tea with the girls

My married friends and I have been having this debate lately: how life would be as the Second Wife.

"If I am to become a mistress, the second wife, The Other Woman, I would lead a life of independence. In spite of his going home to her, he would hunger for what lies between my legs."

"He would want my heart. He would be responsible. He would love me."

She is always better; more attractive and intelligent; she is sexual; she is the best and instils panic in other women. We mythologise her, as our fears become a reality. Men either despise or are alarmed by her, and yet are attracted to her. The West has her mistresses; Asia has concubines. We have the Wives, legal courtesans.

You, the non-Muslim/Malay express shock and horror at the primitivity of such liaisons. Allow me to inform you then: some of you are getting in on the act too.

Halal, apa.

If you read about 18th to 19th century European courtesans, they inspired loyalty and disgust among their admirers and foes, both men and women. They created salons of repute, and they taught young women about love and lust. Some were not even beautiful, but their charms were so mesmerising they almost destroyed their countries.

Madame Pompadour, Belle Epoque, Cora Pearl, these are but a few of the scarlet women that had tempted rulers and husbands to their beds. One or two met a ghastly end, as befitting such horrid wanton women, but most of them died in grandeur, and respected.

Such is the power of The Other Woman.

My friends raged in emails to each other.

How could you think of such a thing?

Listen, if affairs were so sinful, God would not have allowed polygamy.

But the good Prophet, during his time, polygamy was allowed because of the widows that needed protection. War created this climate. God did not encourage women to covet other women's men.

This is the 21st century. Polygamy has not been abolished. Men are still cheating on their wives. Surely it's better to legalise such liaisons, no, than have a mistress on the side, whereby you subahat with the Devil with zina?

Look, if he does marry someone else, at least I'd know where he is. If he dies having sex with the whore, at least they're married. You nak yang mana yang halal or haram?

Jandas' diet: your husbands and sons

Because of my, ahem, recently single status, I have been told that I am viewed with great suspicion. You better watch out with us divorcees; we're home-wreckers you know. After that war that heated our laptops, I received a call and was advised that because I was now a divorcee, maybe if a nice married man came along, I'd be better off being the Second Wife.

Next time I see this woman I'm going to make a pass at her husband and give her the fright of her life.

If men are to be blamed for marrying another woman, and heckled for their ways, remember this: it takes two to tango.

With achievements in their chosen profession and confidence that it is their right to lead the lives they want, the women that choose this matrimonial path are no longer ashamed of who they are.

After all, it's halal.

Am I advocating polygyny?

No.

I'm only telling you what I know.

It doesn't matter what number you are in the queue, as long as you're number one in his heart.

Suggested reading

1) Seductress: Women Who Ravished the World and Their Lost Art of Love (Betsy Prioleau)

2) The Book of the Courtesans: A Catalogue of Their Virtues (Susan Griffin)

DINA ZAMAN's mum told her how her friend discovered that the husband had married a young girl. The auntie drove all the way to the house, torched his car, punched the girl and filed for divorce the next day. Auntie's making serious money now. Ex-hubby was jilted by young wife. Ain't life grand?