I have four stories for you.

I.

She was heartbroken. As she wailed her grief out loud, a long teardrop of her saliva dangled from her mouth before it snapped and dropped to the floor.

I have prayed, begged, asked from God, that after this, He would give me peace. A happier life. Is it too much to ask for? I do not ask for wealth. I do not ask for the worldly. I just want happiness. Why do the wrong, the bad have everything?

Her mother held her and said, keep on praying. Keep on praying. To lose hope would mean to lose faith in God. Have patience. He will grant you what you want. What you desire.

He has forgotten me.

Oh don't say that! God loves you, that's why he tests you. He is cleansing you. Turn to him. Embrace Him.

"I cannot hold God."

II.

She was known as The Catwoman. She had over 40 cats at one point, before they died, ran off, were kidnapped and thrown away by unscrupulous neighbours. Now she had about 20. The ones that kept by her side were an asthmatic cat that sniffed, groaned and flopped to the floor when it was tired; a grey half Persian whose name meant happiness, and delighted in rubs from strangers, and kittens that looked to her for comfort.

If her time was not spent on her family, and with the cats, she would be on the prayer mat or on her bed, smoking and reciting supplications. During moments like this, she would think about her life and her lost beauty.

"I have done everything to keep the family together. I turn to God all the time. I come from a religious family you know? We're not just anyone. I was taught that whatever problems you had, you prayed. Why am I still suffering? At this age, I should not worry about anything, but worries I have."

"The more I turn to God, the more I am tested."

"But I accept. I am ready to meet Him. There is nothing on this world that keeps me here. I pray all the time to die, because maybe in that world, I will have peace."

III.

I heard this story over the holidays.

He was the regular boy from Bangsar. Well-heeled, charming and had bedded enough women. He lived for the flesh and the beauty of women.

One day, he was invited to attend a class on Sufism, my friend told me. For all his promiscuity and vapid lifestyle, he was intelligent. Always seeking for answers.

At this class, he found his answers. Why there was only one God. Why we prayed the way we did.

"He was full of theory, but not of adab. He did not practise."

One day something bad happened to him, and his heart opened to the idea of praying. He went back to his kampung and prayed in a surau and wept there, begging for forgiveness. Forgive me God for my sins, he asked repeatedly.

A man came up to him and asked him why he cried.

Come back to my house, I will help you heal, the stranger said.

"Sometimes it's better to talk to strangers you know?" my friend said.

So Bangsar Boy followed him and was told to pray.

The stranger then grabbed him from behind and molested him.

He went crazy after that.

When they last met, in one of his flashes of lucidity, he asked my friend:

I turned to God, I repented, I wanted to get closer to him and I almost got buggered. Where was God?

"Completely cuckoo now. Got to be locked up and all that you know?" my friend tapped her hijab-ed head.

Pity him, I said.

"Maybe it's best for him. The mad do not have sins."

IV.

Yahoo Messenger chat between two good friends.

frenchwoman: is it contradictory to pray for something and yet have little faith that it will happen? like a new job etc

Jediwarrior: no

frenchwoman: they say Ask and God will give

Jediwarrior: but faith helps

frenchwoman: but what happens if it does not come true?

Jediwarrior: then it's because God knows best

Jediwarrior: as in, what we asked for is not good for us

frenchwoman: but my mum said, she asked one ustaz

frenchwoman: we can change our fate

frenchwoman: we just doa so things change

Jediwarrior: of course you can

Jediwarrior: mmg bleh change our fate

frenchwoman: how did i be come such a bitter, jaded cynic?

Jediwarrior: sbb Allah takkan ubah nasib kita, if we don't try to (if we don't try, God won't help)

Jediwarrior: men.

frenchwoman: not really also

frenchwoman: maybe life too

V.

I have one more story for you. Actually I have more, but I have a word-limit.

"When I decided that I wanted to have a good, fulfilling life, let me tell you this. My life went to pieces! Suddenly my old friends that I thought were friends showed their true colours. My work also fell apart. Everything!"

"I was upset. This was a lifetime of friendship and work we're talking about. Ye lah, tak de kawan, duk atas sejadah lah (I had no friends, so I prayed). Why? Why?"

"And I realised this: the closer I get to God, the more He'll reveal hypocrisy to me. And now, the friends I have now are true friends. I have less money, but my life is full. What God gives, God takes, but in this case it's for the better. he closer you get to God, the more you are tested. But you will see the goodness. You will see the truth."

"Thing is: the closer you get to God, you have more sadness."

VI.

P.S.

Don't sigh. They say you shorten your life with each sigh.

DINA ZAMAN lives in Kuala Lumpur. She is curious about people. Her journalistic hero is Tintin, Boy Reporter. She wishes there is a fatwa against motorcyclists in KL; that law-abiding drivers can kill them. In the meantime she grits her teeth. She can be contacted at dina@malaysiakini.com.