SPECIAL REPORT | Next time you see an unmarried person, please refrain from asking why he or she is still not married.

This can be a very sensitive question for most unwed people, with more behind the answer than what usually meets the eye.

While staying single may be a conscious choice by some, for others it may be a matter of not having found the right person, or other similarly vexing predicaments of the modern world.

That makes it difficult for many who seek love and long to settle down in marriage.

According to the Department of Statistics, 2.5 million from the then 28.3 million Malaysian population in 2010 aged 15 years and above were never married.

The proportion of males who were never married was slightly higher, at 37.8 percent than females (32.2 percent).

The mean age at first marriage for males decreased to 28 years, compared with 28.6 years in 2000 while for females, it rose to 25.7 years compared with 25.1 years in 2000.

There are various reasons why a person remains unmarried.

Take Julia for example. The 28-year-old simply has not found the right person yet.

She was once in a long-term relationship but after that relationship ended, her subsequent relationships rarely lasted for more than one year, most only lasting a few months.

Similarly for Aiezat Fadzell, who got out from a five-year relationship. And he feels that it is now time to focus on himself.

Jumping into a new relationship after the five-year relationship ended, Aiezat realised that it was just a rebound, a way for him to get over the earlier relationship.

“So this year I’m doing things that please me. I’ve been doing my own business, travelling and socialising with many people.

“I’m not ready for a relationship now, I want to focus on myself.”

‘Time to explore new things’

Having “lost” his early twenties to his previous long-term relationship, Aiezat said it was time to explore new things.

So do such people feel pressured, then, to get married?

Although he is only 26, Aiezat said his extended family members have started asking him about his marriage. Which does make it uncomfortable for him during family gatherings

But thankfully for him, his mother understands that he is simply not yet ready for marriage.

And Julia, too, is also lucky that her parents do not pressure her when it comes to tying the knot.

But her sister, who is in her 30s and still single, has a word of advice to her – do not remain single once she gets into her 30s.

“Because once a person reaches the age of 30, he or she would not want to get married.”

But one tell-tale sign that she is simply not ready for marriage is when she looks at her peers who are already married and having children.

Julia says she does not feel anything.

And if her instincts do not kick-in any earlier, getting married at even 40, therefore, might be a possibility.

However, Aiezat knows that he will, ultimately, get married before the age of 33.

“I know I still need that family institution, a wife to support me, both physically and emotionally,” he said.

For writer Natasha Johari, the lass is simply too busy to even have a boyfriend.

Having just finished doing her Masters while juggling a full-time job at the same time, Natasha said she did not even have the time to hang out with friends.

Her last relationship ended precisely due to this. Once, she did not meet her boyfriend for up to three months.

Natasha admits that she is simply too focused on her career. Describing her nine-year on and off again relationship with her “perfect” ex-boyfriend, she said she did not feel like a good girlfriend due to her hectic schedules.

‘It’s about trying to fulfil my goals’

“I have plans, that’s why I took my Masters. It’s about trying to fulfil my goals.

“Having a guy in my life is a distraction. I don’t think I can handle a man, career and family at the same time."

Even the mere idea of marriage gives her the shivers.

‘It’s scary, being stuck with the same person. Right now I’m just not ready but I do want to get married one day,” she admitted, and placed her target of getting married by 35.

But like Julia, looking at pictures of others getting married does not tug at her heartstrings.

“It’s just the same as looking at a picture of a cat,” Natasha said.

But while marriage may be scary for her, the 28-year-old still believes in the marriage institution.

“If I find someone I can settle down with, then I want to get married,” Natasha added.

It’s a different case for Hafiz Aziz. The 30-year-old said he is still unmarried due to financial constraints.

With the worsening economic situation, marriage is no longer a priority in his life.

“It’s not like I want to become rich, but without financial independence, how am I going to support my wife and children?

“Financial independence is when we do not need to think many times before we buy something. If we have to do so, it means our finances are still not stable,” he said.

But for 33-year-old Megat Mohd Iskandar Wan Ab Razak, shyness is one of the main reasons for his single status.

‘Maybe because I’m getting older, I feel a bit bashful to know someone from scratch,” he said.

Megat, therefore, would not decline if his mother looks for a potential partner for him.

“I’ve also told my sister and aunts to match me up. I’ve also tried (looking for a partner) through social media.”

Mohamad Hasrul Hamimie Abdul Hadi, 28, who manages Baitulmuslim.com – a website to find spouses – has an advice to single people out there: to put aside their fear and shyness.

Doing so would make it easier for one to find a life partner.

Hasrul, who has been working in managing the site for the last three years, said a majority of women registered at the site are simply too shy to make the first move, even online or through social media.

Out of the 29,000 registered on the site, women, not surprisingly, make up most of the figure.

Many are also simply too busy with work, he said, while some simply “wait” for their jodoh (marriage partner) to come.

Citing a case, Hasrul said one woman was registered at the site for a long time but had yet to find a partner.

“When we investigated, it turned out that she wanted others to make the first move because she is shy.”

Catering to such shy souls, this is why Baitulmuslim has a “kirim salam” button for one to give a signal to the other party if he or she is simply too shy to even come out with words.

One must make efforts to find a partner

Hasrul believes that when it comes to finding a partner, one must not only wait and must make efforts, citing Prophet Muhammad’s wife Siti Khadijah, who used an intermediary to ask him to marry her.

However, the Malay community even has a specific proverb when it comes to women making the first move - “perigi mencari timba”.

But Hasrul said women should not view that making the first move equals to lowering one’s dignity.

“It is something noble when a woman wants to find a life partner to get married to. Heading towards marriage is a good thing.

“Why must we be shy to do something good? It’s not like you want to do something bad,” he said.

Baitulmuslim was founded to solve the problem of unmarried people and some of its staff act as middlemen.

It is a medium for people to look for life partners. What makes it different from other dating sites is that it is syariah-compliant.

“Whoever that wants to register with Baitulmuslim must send his or her picture with the aurat covered."

Having just recently married, Hasrul does not think that the procedures to get married in the country are complex, but agreed that perhaps there should be more breathing room from all the red-tape that couples have to go through prior to marriage.

“I agree with undergoing the HIV test, but other procedures, involving the forms and the marriage course, should be made an option to be done after the wedding,” he said.

For Halal Speed Dating co-founder Syed Azmi Alhabshi, time is definitely a factor for career-driven people to find their life partners.

Most people who have registered with Halal Speed Dating, he said, simply do not have the time and some do not even know how to date.

Joining Halal Speed Dating, Syed Azmi said, is a process for one to rediscover his or her self.

“You may think that you know what’s best, but when you meet the other person, it’s all about meeting halfway. It’s not about ‘what I want’, it’s also about ‘what we want’.

“Some say they want to marry someone who lives in Kuala Lumpur so that they don’t have to fight during the Raya festivities. Then, they realise it’s not about that, it’s more than that.”

Why this site has more women

Syed Azmi believes that a reason why more women have registered with Halal Speed Dating is due to men who sometimes feel that they are not yet ready for marriage while women worry that their biological clocks are ticking away.

Halal Speed Dating, which started with “four friends over coffee”, was born as the friends were trying to figure out a syariah-compliant platform that would make it easier for people to meet potential life partners.

Only in its second year since its inception, the total number of people who have registered number in the thousands.

More than two couples are already married through the programme and a dozen more will soon get married.

Despite the word ‘halal’ in its name, it is open to both Muslims and non-Muslims.

“I remember the very first event, there was a Chinese boy - he was trying to understand what Halal Speed Dating was all about, why it is different.

“I remember one thing from him. That we respect women more, because women have to bring their wali (male relative legally responsible for the bride).”

Apart from bringing one’s wali, the speed dating events are also conducted at public places.

And like Hasrul, Syed Azmi does not think that there are problems in the marriage procedure.

“The HIV test, even though it is not religiously needed, is important for safety measures.

“The only thing I have a problem with is the marriage course. I think it needs to be re-evaluated.”

Citing sexual jokes sometimes made during the course, Syed Azmi, however, does not find them amusing.

“I don’t think it’s funny and I don’t think it’s an emphasis. It’s not just about the first night,” he stressed.