Q: Is it normal for a man to wake up and decide he does not like the look of his dick? Out of curiosity, is there corrective surgery that can change the way your willy looks? I'm not hankering after Dirk Diggler's, but suddenly my dick looks like shriveled cucumber with weird veins.

Mr Shrivel


A: Elementary, my dear Mr Shrivel.

It's plain ugly. Period.

Now repeat this many times.

You need to dispel all preconceptions about your willy. Unless one suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (one of the symptoms being excessively pleased with his 'thing'), the majority of men just don't like how they look below the belt. This, in spite of millennium-old venerated reassurances that men were created out of the image of the higher-ups.

Even thinking of it as a kindred spirit of a cucumber is a little far-fetched. In terms of aesthetics, size, firmness, shape and functionality, it can never ever come close to a cucumber, shriveled or otherwise. So quit dreaming and don't insult the humble sidekick of our nasi lemak.

Your closest equivalent is a Wichety Grub (Endoxyla leucomochla) that never grows up and I'm being super kind here.

The fact that you just woke up and discovered this universal truth deeply disturbs me. You obviously didn't do the boys shower room bonding in school. Haven't you noticed there's a lot of overcompensation going on since the days of yon from ancient monoliths, rocket-launchers to modern skyscrapers (including our very own double-barrel Twin Towers)? Did you not come across Michelangelo's David? Why did you think there aren't any wet Y-fronts contests sponsored by Calvin Klein or Pagoda?

Women are polite

Every woman knows this and we try to be considerate by making up things like, "It's not the shape / size / ____ that matters" or "Yes dear, it's so beautiful / big / yummy / _____." There is a reason why dildos are the most important invention after the sundial, and it's not because it looks good on the bedside table.

Back to your problem and in particular your current flirtation with knives: the bad news is that your mother was right. Stop playing with sharp objects!

Unless of course, you can't wait to refinance your house and go through hellish pain for results that will go horribly wrong. I heard of a guy who went through enhancement surgery and couldn't stop leaking. Now he has to wear diapers.

Naturally, no one can stop you if you are that determined. Like this person I know who got himself a crystal rod implant that guys only dream about but that's a different story altogether since it means demolishing the whole building and starting anew.

Before you run to the corner and shrink even more - there are many alternatives. A cheap and safe option is a 'penis-sleeve'. Think of it as a wig to cover the uglies. Something you can put on and take off whenever you like. Comes in different colours, sizes and additional delights. Can be squishy or hard. Go shopping for one or more with your partner; at least s/he can participate in such life-transforming decisions. You'll never have to be ugly in the mornings (but take that off before you go to work as you may have a melt-down).

NGO for ugly dicks

If you use your other head more often, you could even take advantage of your dire situation. Form a support group for men with your problem. Be the first to start a local chapter of Penis Anonymous. Give it a catchy acronym (just like what they did with Erectile Dysfunction or 'ED').

This is heaps cheaper than one-to-one therapy and you can even have a pants-off workshop that will serve to reassure all those present everyone is totally off the mark. Think reality-show and have rules like voting out the pretty ones. Make them feel like the odd ones. Throw in the mandatory membership card with benefits and participating merchants.

You'll not only be the most popular man in the country but you're on your way to becoming one of the richest, with your own talk-show, corporate sponsorship and a Datukship too.

Now that, Mr Shrivel, is the surest way to get all puffed up.

THE TUTOR is a domestic engineer. She gardens as a hobby. She would like to wish all readers Happy Valentine's Day. Contact her at revglam@gmail.com.