In case you all haven't figured it out yet, I'm a foreigner. And one of the most difficult things about living in a foreign country, as far as I'm concerned, is getting the hang of the supermarket, because it is filled with all sorts of weird food that you've never had before, cans, packages, and containers labeled in a weird foreign language that you usually can't understand when you're first off the boat. One has to have a somewhat adventurous spirit and cannot be too risk adverse to master the supermarket while living abroad. It usually takes a couple of months.

Home economics

So in the interests of helping out others that may have just arrived, and to contribute to the diversity of culinary offerings in Malaysia, I am going to do something that I am not in the least bit qualified to do: offer a recipe. I have created a concoction that I can't get enough of it's so delicious. It's almost narcotic in its scrumptiousness. Here is what you will need to make what I humbly call Keith Stew.

7-10 dried red peppers (chopped) 3 beef bullion cubes (Knorr)
1 onion, chopped 2 cans green peas
1 Tsp garlic powder 25-35 Good Mum beef dumplings
1.5 liters water

Add the cubes, peppers, garlic, and onions to the water. Bring to boil. Add peas. Add Good Mum beef dumplings. Boil for about 5 minutes, or until the dumplings float. Make sure not to overcook, as the dumplings will start to deteriorate.

Eat.

And that's my recipe. I eat it at least twice a week, and a pot of the stuff will feed me for lunch and dinner, but it's so good that I usually eat it throughout the afternoon and then have a nap, waking up to finish off the pot for dinner. A wonderful life, and a great way to spend the day.

At least I used to.

"Please order more Good Mum Dumplings, Beef count 50 item number 34885727. Brown Package," read the note I taped to the door of the freezer in the supermarket. It has been two weeks since I've had any Keith Stew, and I am starting to feel withdrawal symptoms. I'm not on a diet, nor have I become a vegetarian. The supermarket is the cause of my Keith Stew fast. They have not restocked the dumplings for two weeks. Everyday I go to the supermarket, hoping that today will be the day. And everyday I am disappointed; I stare broken hearted and famished at the empty shelf in the frozen foods cooler, my reflection mocking me in the window glass like Narcissus's reflection in the pond. I return home with some noodles or some other food that can scarce take the place of a big steaming bowl of Keith Stew.

Mutiny

It really is disheartening. I feel like the supermarket is out to get me, and I think the stockboys must be in the back, laughing at me, as they feed all the Good Mum's Beef Dumplings to the colossal rats that lurk back there. I dream of a day when I can have as many bowls of Keith Stew as I want, without having to worry about there being a run on the ingredients. It's my nirvana, and in my sleep I see a mythical fairy land where massive cauldrons of Keith Stew await. A dream, a visions, a hope, a Wawasan!

Everyday that I go to the supermarket, my ire is multiplied a little bit more. I find more and more things about the supermarket that annoy me, and I don't understand how the management lets these things happen. So I have compiled a list of grievances, like the Magna Carta and the Declaration of Independence that should serve as a guide to supermarket managers as to how to bring their respective supermarkets into the 21st century. Here it is.

1. Stock more Good Mum beef dumplings. Keep a reserve supply in case you run out.

2. Stock the shelves late at night, or early in the morning, when there are no customers in the supermarket. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's squeezing past all the piles of boxes and all the carts of goods on my way back to the frozen foods section to find that there are again no Good Mum beef dumplings. Clear aisles would facilitate the process.

3. Give the customer all of his or her change. This week alone the supermarket has cheated me out of 12 sen. Given an interest rate return of 10%, if invested that 12 sen would, in seven years, be 24 sen, which in 14 years would be 48 sen, in 21 years 96 sen, and so on. So by the year 2032 this week alone the supermarket has already crapped me out of almost 2 ringgits. I want it back.

4. Get the underwear and lingerie out of the bread section, please. The last thing I was to see as I am contemplating which rolls to buy is some 80 year old grandmother trying to figure out which bra accentuates her cleavage most alluringly.

5. Beer should be much, much cheaper.

This should keep you guys busy for a while. If we all work hard together, I think that we can develop some really world class supermarkets. Or at least have the best ones in ASEAN.

Right now I think I need to calm down, relax, and get my mind off Good Mum's Beef Dumplings. I'm going to pop off and prepare another delightful treat that I've discovered. I like to call it "Keith's Afternoon Therapy." Here's the recipe:

3 parts Milo 2 parts Kahlua.

Bon Appetite!

KEITH BETTINGER is a Fulbright Scholar living in Kuala Lumpur. A frequent contributor to the Asia Times, Keith has written on international politics and development issues. His column appears on Monday and examines economic development, culture, and travel. Keith has degrees in History and Political Science and graduate degrees in Education and International Affairs. Email him with questions, comments, fears, or trepidations at: kisu1492@yahoo.com.