(The ghost of Palestinian Authority chairman Yasser Arafat drops in on Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon at the latter's official residence in Jerusalem as he is about to take a nap.)

Ariel Sharon: Jezzz eh I mean Holy Moshe! What are you doing here? You are supposed to be dead!

Yasser Arafat: Shalom Fatty, I am here for the reason you still have me on your mind.

Sharon: Curse you, can't you just disappear and be a very dead corpse? What do you want, terrorist?

Arafat: Now, now, look who's calling who names. And from a guy who's responsible for over 2,000 civilian deaths at Sabra and Shatila, and killing hundreds, if not thousands of Palestinians, including children and women, over the years.

You'll continue to 'see' me as long as you continue to think about me not nice thoughts I know, but let's not digress - I came to thank you.

Sharon: Thank me? What for? I want you dead, and you are very dead.

Arafat: Yeah, yeah, Fatso, you're just getting bogged down with trivia. But seriously, if not for you I would have gone out like a dry wick in a thunderstorm, not that I have seen one for years - a thunderstorm I mean, not the wick.

You built me up man, when you physically, psychologically and politically harassed and persecuted me. My ratings soared, I became the Palestinian idol and I didn't even have to sing a song.

When you threatened to assassinate me, you added on value to my stature. It's just sweet irony and delicious justice that you, my arch foe, actually raised my faltering stock among my people. After your kind persecution, I became virtually untouchable. Toda raba, Balon (Thank you, Fatty)

Sharon: You useless #$%^@#! You did nothing for your people, and you have the chutzpah to call yourself their leader. Chel'at ha'min ha'enoshi (scum of the earth).

Arafat: What have I done for my people? Well, when the Western world salved their conscience over the Holocaust by re-inventing Israel, what were my people then, evicted from their own lands?

Just a bunch of unwanted refugees waiting for handouts at some unknown camps in some god-forsaken place. I remember Golda Meir having the chutzpah to tell the world that there were no such people as the Palestinians.

Well, I certainly made the Palestinian refugee and humanitarian cause a very powerful political one that made leaders of the Western world sit up and take notice.

Yes sir, I realised from old Mao that power comes from the barrel of a gun, and unless the Palestinians had aggro, no one was going to pay any attention to a few Arab stragglers.

I had to do the scary part every now and then, with sweet Leila Khaled helping of course that lovely girl was wonderful for public relations. But I did it no differently than one of your iconic heroes, Menachem Begin.

Now, that was one real terrorist and yet he won the Nobel Peace Prize, which I may add I have too hmm, apparently you only need to be a terrorist to win the Nobel Peace Prize those Norwegians seemed to have a problem in this area.

Maybe you and Bush may each get one yet, considering what you both have done.

But today there's no two ways about it - the Palestinian question lingers strongly in the minds of the world. I, of course, claim credit for this. After all, I devoted some 40-plus years to the cause.

A second toda raba to you, Balon, for being the nasty bloke that has been, still is and will continue to be.

You have become so arrogant and brutal since becoming the prime minister that you practically repulse some neutral observers and even some of those who had been sympathetic towards Israel. They have been so revolted that they have come across to my people's side.

You Israelis aren't the underdogs anymore ... we Palestinians have taken over that role. It will make our task of acquiring our statehood, a homeland easier.

Sharon: Ya zevel (you piece of garbage). How much can you now do as a dead man?

Arafat: Very, very much. Aren't you thinking how much you miss me already, your convenient punching bag, your ready-made scapegoat?

Oh, don't think I wasn't aware every time you didn't want to concede something towards a Palestinian state that was incumbent upon you and Israel to concede, you would rush off to Bush to lie about the impossibility of dealing with an intransigent terrorist like me.

Real convenient for you, wasn't I then?

Yeah, unfortunately for me, I have to admit I suffered from several disadvantages when it came to Bush I had supported Saddam in his adventure in Kuwait well, what did you expect me to do when he provided vital financial support for my movement.

Then that mother of all idiots, Osama did something that gave all Arabs a lousy image apart from providing you with a golden opportunity to further blacken our name, and commit unfettered atrocities against my people with American approval.

I just didn't have the support Israel enjoys in the West, particularly in the USA, which just goes to show you what useless rich Arabs we have.

Now, by being dead, I have removed one advantage you have hitherto enjoyed. Who will you now blame for bring intransigent ... who among the PLO leadership will you accuse of wanting to destroy Israel?

Bush will require more accountability from you in your lies against the Palestinian people. Bush has been fairly fond of Abu Mazen, you know now, that's worrying, isn't it?

Don't you wish you have me back? See, Balon, even from the grave, I pose problems for your conniving genius.

Sharon: I had the last laugh. I have denied your people's request to bury you here in Jerusalem. Tisaref be evadon (burn in hell).

Arafat: Now, that's the spirit! What do you reckon people will think of your mean spiritedness, your nastiness, your ungraciousness even to a dead man? And, of course, everyone knows of the Israeli websites that have been spinning nasty tales about me having Aids.

Isn't there just a limit to the depth you would sink to? But all these are, in fact, good for my people - Toda raba on their behalf.

Sharon: Begone from my mind, you evil one.

Arafat: Now, now, don't blow a gasket. You know what high blood pressure will do to a person in your condition. Ata kol kah shamen, she od meat tipol leha ha beten (You're so fat that your belly will fall soon).

See you soon in hell, Balon.