You rarely hear about outstanding, upright, brave and honest policemen, because stories about corrupt and inept policemen make better news. A policeman should possess qualities like integrity, empathy, honesty, professionalism, courage and the ability to communicate well, to listen and to speak. He should be able to diffuse tense situations and ignore provocation. He should be able to separate truth from lies.

Many little boys want to grow up to become policeman, but in today’s Malaysia, some key policemen act like little boys. They issue threats to people, whom their bosses deem ‘dangerous’, because these ‘dangerous’ people are vocal and very critical of the actions of the government.

A policeman may have two bosses - the politician and the gang leader. Any member of the public who speaks his mind, is perceived as a threat. Anyone who demonstrates, threatens national security.

Guns do not kill, people do. In today’s Malaysia, the gun is synonymous with policemen who ‘shoot to kill’. The gun is no longer a weapon of self-defence, but has become a convenient tool to silence people.

So, would I make a better policeman if...

If I didn’t demand a raise, but supplemented my income from the largesse of the general public.

If I did not go on patrol, or on the beat, but to save petrol and taxpayers’ money, tweeted instead.

If I listened to my MP or prime minister, because he knows best. Why bite the hand that feeds me?

If I refused to be impartial, in the execution of my duties, because poor people and rich people think differently.

If I do not use my seatbelt, park on double yellow lines or commit other traffic offences, because I may have to respond to an emergency, quickly.

If I target students, when they are demonstrating, because they should be in class.

If I warn the high class nightclub to tell its Muslim patrons and the children of senior politicians, to leave by the back door, before I ‘raid’ the premises.

If I plant parangs in the boot of a car, to justify shooting perpetrators of the crime.

If I show my commitment to work by carrying semen stained mattresses in and out of court.

If I stored forensic samples in the fridge, because the air-conditioned room is not cold enough.

Important to have exercise

If I made the prisoners in the police cells do squats, because in those cramped conditions, it is important to have plenty of exercise.

If I threatened girls with rape, especially if they refuse to tell me anything, during questioning.

If I fire tear gas at protesters, because they have given me extra work, in the hot sun.

If I plant small bombs in rubbish bins, and detonate them, as a warning to demonstrators who are supporting their leader.

If I have been asked to arrest someone of my faith, I refuse, citing conflict of interest between the syariah and civil law, especially in child custody cases.

If I receive a call about a quarrelling couple, I advise them to see a marriage counsellor, as I hate to get involved in domestic matters.

If I have a difficult detainee, I torture him to extract information. If he dies, I will tell his family that he suffered an asthma attack. There is a condition known as ‘sudden death syndrome’.

If the son of a minister commits a murder, I will do a botched investigation.

If someone comes to lodge a police report, I will send him on a runaround, from Station A, to Station B and the policemen in Station B will hopefully comply and send them back to me, or to Station C. This will weed out those who are not determined to make a report.

If an employee of a ‘member’ institution is accused of throwing someone from a window on the 14th floor, I will do a botched-up investigation. ‘Members’ must stick together.

If I am told about allegations of fraud or corruption, I do a cursory investigation, or just ignore it.

If I know of the involvement of samsengs in an area, I will just avoid the area. They have bigger guns than mine.

If a politician, a rich man or royalty reports a crime, I will arrive at the scene, quickly. It may improve my chances of promotion or reward.

If I hear of money-laundering, I ignore it because the paperwork is too time-consuming.

If I see foreign workers, I know how to make easy money especially in the run-up to a festival.

If I see foreign workers, I consider them as walking cash machines.

MARIAM MOKHTAR is a defender of the truth, the admiral-general of the Green Bean Army and president of the Perak Liberation Organisation (PLO).