In the Seventh Wonder of the World that was our general elections, the mainstream media editors had so assiduously and collectively plugged the Barisan Nasional (BN) coalition in one long breath, that their faces turned blue. Yup, that shade of Barisan blue.

The Cronesian media is also now crowing that the stranglehold in the legislature by BN indicates how the people have spoken. If so, it is a voice that is grotesquely distorted.

For the sizeable disenfranchised who did not elect the BN to sit in Parliament, their stifled protests will avail as much as Alice's consternation when she exclaims how "everything is queer" in Wonderland.

In the Lewis Carroll children's classic, Alice finds herself in a dream world after tumbling down a rabbit hole. Wonderland is inhabited by an iconic cast - the White Rabbit, Mad Hatter, March Hare, Dormouse and Cheshire Cat among others, as well as a deck of playing cards that comes alive.

On the Queen of Heart's croquet ground, Alice gets caught in a confusing game wherein "they don't seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are nobody attends to them".

"I don't think they play at all fairly", complains Alice, which is how the opposition Barisan Alternatif (BA) views the Election Commission (EC) and the way it conducted the recent polls.

At the polling centre where I voted, the BN pondok panas (booth) was amply staffed whereas the opposition had no visible presence at all. If there are different sets of rules for the two opposing sides, naturally fair play goes out of the window.

Curiouser and curiouser

In Cronesia, life can be as fantastical as a fairy tale. In 'Alice in Wonderland', the little girl gets hold of a magic mushroom - if she eats one side of it, she grows bigger; if she eats the other end, she becomes smaller. This expand-shrink binary is remisniscent of the BN-BA share of the pie when postal votes land at the last minute to save the day. These work like magic too in handing a win to you-know-who.

One of the most quirky characters in 'Alice in Wonderland' is the Cheshire Cat. It has the ability to disappear at will, in part or in whole. The Cheshire Cat Syndrome assails voters in Cronesia at whim.

Thus many names were missing from the electoral roll. Mine was not to be found either in the 1994 list. This time around, my friend, a long-time opposition supporter, could not locate his name in the same constituency where he has voted for decades.

Names are not the only things to do a dissappearing act. PAS alleges that more than 10,000 ballots were unreturned in the Kuala Terengganu constituency. Incumbent Dr Syed Azman Syed Ahmad Nawawi of PAS, who has been both vocal and articulate in Parliament, lost by a very narrow margin.

Go to the EC site to view the results and once again, Abracadabra! the relevant web pages listing the state and parliamentary vote count had been subjected to another magical moment. When they reappeared, the figures had been 'updated'.

A most enchanted land

'Jabberwocky' refers to invented or meaningless language and is taken from the title of a nonsense poem by Carroll. The word describes rather aptly the drivel churned out by the mainstream media. Its monopoly of public space is helped by the "blatant denial of meaningful access to opposing views" allowed to the public (read Aliran's Election Media Monitors' Diary and Suaram's election review for details).

In Selangor alone in the run-up to the elections, 'someone' had taken out a full set of supplements in the Malay, Chinese and English newspapers extolling the state's progress under the BN and Menteri Besar Dr Mohamad Khir Toyo's 'dynamic' leadership.

"Oh my fur and whiskers!" exclaims the White Rabbit dashing about in a mighty hurry. Given the seven-and-a-bit days of campaigning permitted, how the individual who had commissioned those supplements must have scrambled. Needless to say, the opposition parties did not have resources to match. Free and fair elections, huh?

That the media is owned or influenced by BN parties is old news. However, not usually highlighted is the extent of the consanguineous relationship between the two families. The number of blue-in-the-face editors belonging to the Datuk Club could be one indication. But then again, perhaps there's really nothing sinister in that. After all, journos should be fully entitled to state honours for services to journalism, no?

One among their rank, former head honcho of the Utusan group, Zainuddin Maidin, was appointed Senator and rose to become Deputy Information Minister. He is today a career Umno Man, winning the Merbok parliamentary seat and reappointed to the No.2 seat in the Information Ministry.

Some middle-ranking newsmen have been seconded to various ministries while others have become press secretaries to ministers. Boundaries are ever blurring between the Second and Fourth Estates.

Mad Hatter's tea-party

Media pundits are claiming that the BN's landslide victory can be attributed to the 'feel good' factor created by Abdullah Ahmad Badawi - come, let's enjoy our teh tarik.

Tea is a brew that makes an excellent soporific, unless you find yourself a guest at the mad tea party in Wonderland.

"Have some wine," the March Hare said in an encouraging tone to Alice. Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea.

"I don't see any wine," she remarked.

"There isn't any," said the March Hare.

"Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it," said Alice angrily.

Ah, but one can always make believe

"Take some more tea," the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.

"I've had nothing yet," Alice replied in an offended tone, "so I can't take more."

"You mean you can't take less," said the Hatter. "It's very easy to take more than nothing."

Duh? The exchanges sound surreal alright but not totally foreign to thinking people in Cronesia. They would have had enough practice reading between the lines, and second-guessing the sins of commission and omission in the Cronesian media, to ably grasp goobledegook.

In one aspect at least, we in Cronesia are still more grounded than the denizens of Wonderland. Our mamak teh tarik is as good as it gets, so let's all eat, drink and be merry. Those who ask that we put the elections behind us would certainly like everyone else to return to business as usual. And to feel good.

What is there to feel good about? The mainstream media is never short on its Cemerlang, Gemilang, Terbilang propaganda (or to borrow from a similar and earlier advertising slogan: 'Style, Quality, Excellence' anyone?).

Aside from the world's biggest ketupat, we have the distinction of probably the world's shortest election campaign, the world's highest voter turnout (in Terengganu) and the world's largest cabinet. Recordbreakers, that we are!

Without doubt, if you have the good fortune to be among the small coterie of moneyed elite, there are many things to feel very good about in Cronesia. What I find hilarious (if it were not so tragic) is the 'Boleh & Best' bedtime story targetted at the rest of the flock who are poor lambs.

Ponder a moment on the gaps in logic in this New Sunday Times (March 7, 2004) article headlined 'Hardship-free Zurich? Never mind, KL is still a better place'.

The columnist Shareem Amry takes umbrage at a recent study by the Economist Intelligence Unit (a global research group affiliated to The Economist magazine) which ranks KL a lowly 87th out of 130 cities as an expatriate posting.

The sole example she provides as to why, in her opinion, KL betters top-ranked Zurich is this: "One friend, for example, who has been living there for the past two years, had to give up the idea of getting a cat when she realised how painful the process could be. The law requires that Zurich residents get a licence before they can own a pet, and they are then required to have the pet get shots every month, and a full medical check-up every six months.

"If such rules are needed to create a hardship-free city, then give me the free-wheeling laidback lifestyle we've got here anytime."

Through the looking glass

I would have dozed off like the Dormouse at the Hatter's tea party if I believed the article to be nothing more than a light lifestyle piece. However, it was given a dead serious position on the Focus section. I suppose, it's hardly surprising any more that reality is up-ended when seen through the Cronesian media prism.

Shareem further writes that achieving Swiss clockwork perfection "requires a lot of rules, which in turn can make for a rather anal retentive lifestyle".

She neglects, though, to mention the plethora of 'rules' that recalcitrant KL-ites are confronted with, which in turn can make for preventive detention or a close confinement lifestyle - the Internal Security Act, Official Secrets Act, Emergency (Public Order and Prevention of Crime) Ordinance 1969, Essential (Security Cases) Regulations 1975, Sedition Act, Printing Presses and Publications Act 1984, Universities and University Colleges Act, Police Act 1967

In the cardboard court of the Queen of Hearts, Her Imperial Majesty of Wonderland is quick to command"'Off with his head!" and promptly execute anyone perceived to be giving her the slightest offence.

A bizarre scenario indeed but rather like what I fear will befall me, living in Cronesia and contributing to malaysiakini.

One recent law that takes the cake is our Communications and Multimedia Act 1998 which appears to consider the cell phone a lethal weapon; you can be sent to jail for SMS offences!

Who stole the tarts?

Premier Pak Lah has pledged to stamp out corruption, which is like a multiple-headed monster - when you chop off one head, two grow in its place. Therefore, corruption is an evil that has effectively got to be tackled at the root.

That means not only catching the big fish taking fat bribes and plundering the state coffers but recognising the neccessity of having a clean pond, i.e. an environment not conducive to rotten fish breeding and thriving.

We also urgently need to equate corruption with dishonesty; hence making corruption's obverse value, honesty.

If we were an honest and clean society, we'd be morally outraged about condoning an electoral process so open to manipulation. We'd understand that the thumping BN victory was won without honour. If Alice's adventure in Wonderland is but a whimsical dream, I can only say that our general elections is a five-year recurrent nightmare.

Wake up, people, and see our so-called democracy for what it truly is - shallow like the rainwater immersing our tolled highways during a flash flood. As I've said before: Flawed elections, flawed democracy.

Z SUNDAY is a Joe Public who reads the local print media for its unfunny and unintentional imitation of black and gallows humour. The truth may be out there but he doesn't expect to extract it from the Malaysia Boleh chaff in local newspapers.