Faster, pirate, put on your eyeliner!

I haven't seen Johnny Depp in too many films, but have few doubts about his talent and integrity as an actor - for proof, watch Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. I'm not going to review the movie here, but am simply bursting to share something that struck me about it.

For the uninitiated, Depp plays the lovable, mischievous pirate Captain Jack Sparrow in this swashbuckling epic from Disney. I won't give much of the plot away, but I'll be talking a lot about Sparrow.

To summarise, Sparrow agrees to help young William Turner, an orphan who survives a maritime disaster without knowing his father was a pirate. This is to save Turner's love interest, Elizabeth Swann, who has been captured by Sparrow's nemesis, Captain Barbossa.

Sparrow comes across as one funny dude from the first moment we see him on screen. As he steps onto the pier from his sinking boat, we are introduced to a man who walks like a model and who has had one martini too many, to boot.

He waves his hands around in the manner of a certain male Malay celebrity chef, squints and winks to punctuate his colourful dialogue. He also wears jewelry and make-up.

The more savvy readers can probably already tell where I'm heading. With all the recent ruckus about lelaki lembut (effeminate men), I just thought this was a refreshing portrayal of masculinity...in a mainstream Hollywood film at that.

I know there are a whole lot of people (not me) who are just dying to thank a certain Fairuz of UiTM, who sparked off this national drama by writing his letter (which reeked of sour grapes, by the way) to Utusan Malaysia, asking the media and Malaysians to stamp out the abhorrent proliferation of effeminate men and gay men.

And certain segments of the media responded quite predictably. It wasn't enough that we were all bombarded during prime time news with a sexually capricious Malaysia Airlines male flight attendant showcasing his, um, in-flight entertainment.

No, those quarters of the media decided that we needed to buck up and get out the machetes for lelaki lembut and gay men, too. And because women's rights have made such inroads in this country, we soon had to deal with wanita keras (aggressive women) and lesbians, too.

Then, true to Malaysian tradition, a ministry got involved. A few ministries actually, but there was a particular one that took up the issue.

So the nation is finally at the stage where the state is trying to regulate citizens' expressions of masculinity and femininity.

Boys have to be Tough. They have to camp in jungles, eat slugs and wade barefoot through rivers. This is nothing to be dismissed readily - even Arnold Schwarzenegger would squeal his Republican tonsils out if he ever saw our rivers.

Men have to be Men. They have to dress like Men. Talk like Men. Walk like Men. Spit like Men. Have short hair like Men. Rip the flesh off chicken drumsticks with their teeth like Men.

Then along comes Jack Sparrow, with braided hair, wicked eyeliner, jewelry, fey hand gestures and sashaying gait. Talk about providence.

One of my female friends who watched the movie with me denied this. Granted, she is one Johnny Depp fan who'd practically drown in her own pheromones at the sight of his left earlobe.

And he plays a pirate! A swashbuckler! A dashing hero of the seas! Who fights with a sword! How could anyone even think that he's, you know, camp?

Then again, are we saying that the only men in makeup and jewelry who are good at using swords can be pirates? I think you'll find a few patrons of Jalan Bukit Bintang who'd beg to differ - on pain of the consequences of Section 377a ('unnatural sex') of the Penal Code, of course.

Who are we to determine what makes a man? Even with all his off-kilter mannerisms, Sparrow was still the hero everybody adored, and with whom quite a few girls in the audience still ended up falling head over heels in love.

And yes, the other characters in the film did notice Sparrow's, um, unconventional style, and they did make remarks about it. But all in good faith. All in good humour. Nobody actually thought to ask him, "Er, but surely there's a bit more yo ho ho to go with your bottle of rum?"

Before I am accused of deconstructing a Disney pirate comedy, I must admit that Johnny Depp has never said that he intended to play a pondan pirate.

What he did say was this: "The way I walked, well, it was a couple of things. To me, it was like this guy who had spent a very, very long time on the ocean battling the elements. It was a guy who had spent way too much time in the sun, so maybe his brain was literally cooked a bit.

"And he was way more comfortable on the deck of a ship, in terms of the rhythm of the ocean, than he was on dry land. And I think he would also be a guy who would understand that, like, he could take that and use it to his advantage, you know. As if to hypnotise someone. He'd kind of go back and forth and hypnotise them, kind of like a cobra, a moving target. So, that's where it came from. I thought he would hate being on land."

Yeah, yeah, thanks for demystifying everything, Johnny. By the way, I didn't see Barbossa act like a "cobra". He must have hated being on land, too, no?

Aha, but you see, I'm doing it myself, too. Why do we need to assume that every man needs to act in the same way? Different men are different. And difference should never be used to extract doctrines and practices of inequality, or worse, persecution.

You see I studied at an all-boys secondary school. There, boys were respected if they were Army cadets, or district soccer players or track athletes. They were revered if they were all three. God forbid if they had a brain and could at least pass their exams - they'd be worshipped as saints.

I had a friend in that school who is a lelaki lembut. He was teased from Day One about everything - from the colour of his underwear, to the way he spoke, to his reluctance to play soccer.

He wasn't just teased by fellow students. He was publicly humiliated by quite a few teachers, too. Being his friend, I came to his defence. A lot.

I was teased and humiliated, too, by association. Because I myself can't play soccer to save my life. But at least I excelled in studies, I wrote well, I spoke English fluently, I entered debates and won.

I was a prefect, I knew taekwondo. If any one of my Neanderthal classmates or teachers tried to challenge me, I'd just stare right back at them and flash my prefect's badge.

But my lelaki lembut friend didn't have any of those things. Many people couldn't understand why we were friends. He thought it was pity on my part. They thought he was trying to take advantage of me.

Me, I just thought he was a great guy. A funny guy. A guy whom I didn't need to impress to be his friend.

He runs a beauty salon now. I call him up every now and then. I ask him how he's doing. I laugh when he tells me about botched perms, or 50-something Datins who want to look like Erra Fazira.

When our former classmates ask me about him, I tell them proudly that he has his own beauty salon. But as much pride as I have in him, I can't wipe off their scornful smirks whenever they hear what I have to say.

"Does he wear makeup? Is he in drag? Does he still talk like...you know? Is he still attracted to... you know?"

If only it were just these idiotic questions he has had to deal with. But no - he also has had to deal with state religious officers threatening to fine him because his eyebrows are too thin.

He has been shooed away from male public toilets. He has been spat at by passers-by. His car was vandalised by a Datin who called him 'Raja segala pondan' (King of Transvestites).

So, when I see journalists and politicians trying to milk his pain for political mileage, I get really mad. I feel like I need to do something. I feel like he needs to do something, too.

But he gets so despondent. He tells me, 'It's okay lah, I'm just going to run my salon, buat kerja halal (do an honest job) and hope for the best'.

Once I quoted the Hadith where Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon Him) tells one of his companions (and I'm paraphrasing here),: "No, no, you don't just leave your camels here then go to the mosque to pray for Allah to guard them. You tie your camels up here and go to the mosque to pray for Allah to guard them."

My friend asked: "What in the world do camels have to do with my beauty salon? Are you calling me a camel? I'm not a camel, okay. I'm a wanita jadian. You can quote me on that. I may have a beard but I also need my Maybelline mascara."

No, silly, I replied. Run your beauty salon. Buatlah kerja halal. Shave your beard. Wear your mascara. Go ahead and pray for the best. But please, when push comes to shove, you also have to fight to defend your rights and your dignity as a human being.

He scoffed at the suggestion, saying that nobody else would stand up for him. I said, of course they would.....I would.

And at last count, so did nine organisations and more than 130 individuals - including me - who submitted a memorandum to the Human Rights Commission of Malaysia in August.

But I remember him in secondary school, looking defiant when our physical education teacher shouted at him and called him a useless pondan for the entire school to hear. I didn't know what to say then.

However, if there's a boy like that in secondary school now, who has been following the local media coverage about lelaki lembut, who is feeling just as alone and defiant, I'd tell him to go watch Pirates of the Caribbean.

He wouldn't need to give up his eyeliner to be a hero. Savvy?

SHANON SHAH is an analyst and a former journalist.