Absent fathers affect lives
Mariam MokhtarPublished: Jun 20, 2011 2:54 PM | Updated: Jun 20, 2011 2:59 PM
Yesterday, June 19, was Father’s Day. For some fathers, the best gift would be the chance to be with their child and enjoy the special bond that should exist between them.
Yesterday, June 19, was Father’s Day. For some fathers, the best gift would be the chance to be with their child and enjoy the special bond that should exist between them.
Like most other celebrations, Father’s Day has been commercialised with aggressive and unrelenting advertising campaigns which play on our sentiments to make us spend our money.
In many countries, Father’s Day is celebrated on the third Sunday in June, and is a time when children buy cards and presents to honour their fathers.
The lucky children are perhaps those who enjoy the love of two-parent families. What of the child who is brought up by his mother and only knows his or her father through weekly visits, if at all?
When Norma (not her real name) found out about her husband’s infidelity, she deliberately missed taking her contraceptive pills so as to get pregnant.
According to her twin sister Anita, Norma thought another child would change her husband’s ways.
“It was not the first time he cheated on her but she always believed that he would change. She was wrong to get pregnant as a way of controlling him but she acted out of desperation. The innocent victim is her daughter. Her husband refuses to acknowledge his new baby.”
A ‘band-aid’ baby is never a good idea!
A friend of Norma, Mala, confirms that Norma was in denial.
“For many years, Norma turned a blind eye to his failings but for the sake of their son, decided to cling on to the marriage.
“She only started to realise that he was not going to change when she found out that he had cheated on her when she was pregnant with their daughter.”
Anita takes up the story and said, “Norma wanted to borrow money from me. The husband had no money to pay for her maternity stay at the hospital. It seems that he had emptied their joint bank account.”
“Worse was to follow. He had also given her a dose of the clap, which she only discovered in hospital. That was what prompted her to ask for a divorce.”
After labouring through the syariah courts, it was decided that the husband had to pay maintenance for his children, his seven-year old son and by that time, his two-year old daughter. Norma was also advised that she could retrieve her savings, which had formed the bulk of the joint account, also via the syariah courts.
Child maintenance was promptly paid to his ex-wife who struggled to bring up two children in Kuala Lumpur. She was reluctant to move back to her parents’ home on the east coast as there would have been no job for her. Moreover, her son was already established in his school.
Stretched to the limit
Norma worked as a marketing executive in a local company and her wages were under RM2K per month. Cheap accommodation was in the suburbs. A car was not a luxury but a necessity.
The hire purchase on the car and the house rental consumed most of her wage packet. Public transport to her childrens’ schools and her work-place was non-existent. As petrol costs increased, her salary was stretched to the limit.
For a few months, child maintenance was paid to her. Then it started to be intermittent. And finally 18 months after the court judgment, it stopped altogether.
Eight years later, Norma has still not been able to get the syariah courts to enforce the order for her husband to pay child maintenance. She is still pursuing the money which he misappropriated. For a while, the ex-husband ‘disappeared’ and there was no way to trace him.
As a woman on a low income, it was affecting her mentally, physically and financially. Her employers questioned why she had to go to the syariah courts so frequently. Her work suffered. Often, her case would be postponed because the ex-husband was absent, or other delays.
One day, Norma found out that when she left the children with a neighbour whilst she was at work, her husband had been visiting her son, giving him cash and buying him presents. But he did not see their daughter.
She tried to trace her ex-husband’s whereabouts but was unsuccessful. It took many years before the courts would acknowledge that when someone decides to leave no forwarding address, then there is nothing that a normal person, with limited resources can do to trace him.
Worryingly, the syariah courts rarely enforce the judgments and go after a husband who refuses to pay child maintenance.
It is said that a husband can be jailed for refusing the court’s directive, but as before, enforcement is non-existent.
There is now a slush fund totaling RM15 million accessible to wives undergoing a divorce.
But why should husbands be absolved from their responsibilities? Ex-husbands see an easy way out in that the state will provide for their ex-wives and their children.
Refusal to act responsibly
Norma’s story is not uncommon. There are several women like her whose ex-husbands refuse to act responsibly.
Norma fears for the well-being and psychological development of her children. Already her daughter claims that her father, whom she does not know, is dead despite being aware that her brother goes out with their father. Norma’s son, however, thinks his father is ‘awesome’ because of the gifts and money he receives, on the quiet.
The shocking thing is that the absent father figure is not just common in one-parent families.
Polygamous families suffer the same. In a study by Sisters in Islam conducted in late 2007, it was common for a father to neglect the first wife and her family once he married another woman and established a new family.
The SIS reports says “... where fathers had more than two wives or more than 10 children, daughters and sons often claim their father can hardly recognise them. When they went to ask for pocket money or school fees, their father would look at them cluelessly and say “Which mother are you from?’”
It is time fathers realise that the rôle they play is important in the development of their children, from the social, emotional, financial and economic viewpoint.
In addition, absent fathers affect their wives mental, physical and financial well-being. It can also affect the relationship between a mother and her children.
A father is for life, and not just for Father’s Day.
MARIAM MOKHTAR is a non-conformist traditionalist from Perak, a bucket chemist and an armchair eco-warrior. In ‘real-speak’, this translates into that she comes from Ipoh, values change but respects culture, is a petroleum chemist and also an environmental pollution-control scientist.
Like most other celebrations, Father’s Day has been commercialised with aggressive and unrelenting advertising campaigns which play on our sentiments to make us spend our money.
In many countries, Father’s Day is celebrated on the third Sunday in June, and is a time when children buy cards and presents to honour their fathers.The lucky children are perhaps those who enjoy the love of two-parent families. What of the child who is brought up by his mother and only knows his or her father through weekly visits, if at all?
When Norma (not her real name) found out about her husband’s infidelity, she deliberately missed taking her contraceptive pills so as to get pregnant.
According to her twin sister Anita, Norma thought another child would change her husband’s ways.
“It was not the first time he cheated on her but she always believed that he would change. She was wrong to get pregnant as a way of controlling him but she acted out of desperation. The innocent victim is her daughter. Her husband refuses to acknowledge his new baby.”
A ‘band-aid’ baby is never a good idea!
A friend of Norma, Mala, confirms that Norma was in denial.
“For many years, Norma turned a blind eye to his failings but for the sake of their son, decided to cling on to the marriage.
“She only started to realise that he was not going to change when she found out that he had cheated on her when she was pregnant with their daughter.”
Anita takes up the story and said, “Norma wanted to borrow money from me. The husband had no money to pay for her maternity stay at the hospital. It seems that he had emptied their joint bank account.”
“Worse was to follow. He had also given her a dose of the clap, which she only discovered in hospital. That was what prompted her to ask for a divorce.”
After labouring through the syariah courts, it was decided that the husband had to pay maintenance for his children, his seven-year old son and by that time, his two-year old daughter. Norma was also advised that she could retrieve her savings, which had formed the bulk of the joint account, also via the syariah courts.
Child maintenance was promptly paid to his ex-wife who struggled to bring up two children in Kuala Lumpur. She was reluctant to move back to her parents’ home on the east coast as there would have been no job for her. Moreover, her son was already established in his school.
Stretched to the limit
Norma worked as a marketing executive in a local company and her wages were under RM2K per month. Cheap accommodation was in the suburbs. A car was not a luxury but a necessity.
The hire purchase on the car and the house rental consumed most of her wage packet. Public transport to her childrens’ schools and her work-place was non-existent. As petrol costs increased, her salary was stretched to the limit.
For a few months, child maintenance was paid to her. Then it started to be intermittent. And finally 18 months after the court judgment, it stopped altogether.
Eight years later, Norma has still not been able to get the syariah courts to enforce the order for her husband to pay child maintenance. She is still pursuing the money which he misappropriated. For a while, the ex-husband ‘disappeared’ and there was no way to trace him.
As a woman on a low income, it was affecting her mentally, physically and financially. Her employers questioned why she had to go to the syariah courts so frequently. Her work suffered. Often, her case would be postponed because the ex-husband was absent, or other delays.
One day, Norma found out that when she left the children with a neighbour whilst she was at work, her husband had been visiting her son, giving him cash and buying him presents. But he did not see their daughter.
She tried to trace her ex-husband’s whereabouts but was unsuccessful. It took many years before the courts would acknowledge that when someone decides to leave no forwarding address, then there is nothing that a normal person, with limited resources can do to trace him.
Worryingly, the syariah courts rarely enforce the judgments and go after a husband who refuses to pay child maintenance.
It is said that a husband can be jailed for refusing the court’s directive, but as before, enforcement is non-existent.
There is now a slush fund totaling RM15 million accessible to wives undergoing a divorce.
But why should husbands be absolved from their responsibilities? Ex-husbands see an easy way out in that the state will provide for their ex-wives and their children.
Refusal to act responsibly
Norma’s story is not uncommon. There are several women like her whose ex-husbands refuse to act responsibly.
Norma fears for the well-being and psychological development of her children. Already her daughter claims that her father, whom she does not know, is dead despite being aware that her brother goes out with their father. Norma’s son, however, thinks his father is ‘awesome’ because of the gifts and money he receives, on the quiet.
The shocking thing is that the absent father figure is not just common in one-parent families.
Polygamous families suffer the same. In a study by Sisters in Islam conducted in late 2007, it was common for a father to neglect the first wife and her family once he married another woman and established a new family.The SIS reports says “... where fathers had more than two wives or more than 10 children, daughters and sons often claim their father can hardly recognise them. When they went to ask for pocket money or school fees, their father would look at them cluelessly and say “Which mother are you from?’”
It is time fathers realise that the rôle they play is important in the development of their children, from the social, emotional, financial and economic viewpoint.
In addition, absent fathers affect their wives mental, physical and financial well-being. It can also affect the relationship between a mother and her children.
A father is for life, and not just for Father’s Day.
MARIAM MOKHTAR is a non-conformist traditionalist from Perak, a bucket chemist and an armchair eco-warrior. In ‘real-speak’, this translates into that she comes from Ipoh, values change but respects culture, is a petroleum chemist and also an environmental pollution-control scientist.
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