My dearest Malaysia,

Happy 52nd birthday! I'm so sorry that I cannot be with you on this joyous occasion. Rest assured that my thoughts and ardent prayers are with you.

I can't believe that you have turned 52. I know you are very much older than me, as a matter of fact, a whole 24 years older than me, to be exact, but somehow you seem so much younger.

To me, you seem more like one still in their teens. So vibrant, energetic and still trying to discover your true self. Maybe it's because of the turbulent adolescent tantrums that you still seem to display after all these years.

I know, I know. You'd like to think of yourself as all grown up and mature. A leader among your peers. And to others, that may be how you appear.

But being away from you, in a foreign land, has caused me to see you in a different light. A light, which, sadly, does not highlight your best features. There was a time when I used to boast of you so much to my friends here.

I was proud to think myself of being yours. I told them that they would find no other more beautiful, more colourful and more tranquil than you. I boasted of your ability to keep all within you peaceful, harmonious and loving, never mind that to others, they all looked so different.

Some of my friends do sometimes ask of your turbulent past of 1969, but I tell them that you have grown and matured since then, and have learnt from your past mistakes.

But these days, I'm no longer so confident in my boasting of you. I'm able to extol your culinary expertise and your cultural festivities with great detail and enthusiasm. But that is as much as I can find to say.

I try to speak of you as I once did, of your peacefulness, your equal love for all, and the greatness that you are, but find it a burden of too many untruths for my tongue to speak.

I sometimes wonder if its just me that feels this way about you, but when I speak to others, who like me, are away from you and in foreign lands, they too seem to see you in similar light.

My husband thinks that we should sever ties with you. For the longest time I have defended you, saying that it is just a phase you are going through, that you will change and come around eventually and that we will find none better than you.

But these past many months, I have begun to doubt this. You say you love us, but your actions do not tally with your words. How can I defend you any longer if I cannot trust you?

My dear Malaysia, I earnestly hope that this is a just a phase you a re going through and that you shall soon come out of it, being stronger, more mature and the adult that you're meant to be.

And that you shall, as promised on your birthday, love us all equally and allow us all equal claim to your love.

Be assured that I do still love you, that even my husband, deep in his heart still loves you, and that together, in our own way, try our best to teach our little one to love you too.

For how can we possibly forget our first love?