Who do you have to pay to get a book banned in Malaysia? Since its release almost a month ago I've been counting on a command for my latest work to be confiscated and burned, thereby making it famous and thus a sure-fire best-seller on the black market, and what's happened?

Nothing. No lightning raids on bookstores by Special Branch. No zany comments from Zam on its transcending the limits of publishing freedom. No threats from the keris-waving Hishammuddin Hussein. No police report, at least that I know of, by the mighty Muhamad Muhamad Taib. No nasty note from my former would-be nemesis Mustapha Ong. Not even a damning review in one of those fearlessly self-censoring organs of the press like the Star or New Straits Times .

If this is a police state, as we have Tun Dr M's assurance that it is, plus ample supporting evidence like the arrest of blogger Nat Tan under the Official Secrets Act, the detention of countless other "suspects" under the Internal Security Act and Emergency Ordinance and control of news and views by the Publications Act, it's high time it got its act together.

I've resorted to every trick in the book, God knows, short of stretching the truth, to get my scribblings banned and myself taken out of circulation. I've cast doubts on the competence and compus mentus of Pak Lah; imputed the honesty of corruption suspects ranging from the police force in general and the Election Commission in particular to a plethora of public figures including Rafidah Aziz, Samy Vellu, Zakaria Mat Deros, Khir Toyo, Tiong Hiew King, Zulkipli Mat Noor and Johari Boharom; and I've poked fun in print at every Barisan Nasional clown and crony I could think of, from Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat through Mohd Nazri Abdul Aziz to Khairy Jamaluddin.

I've also made it more than plain that I'm not just prepared but outright proud to keep such dubious company as such enemies of the state, or rather of the prevailing state of affairs, as the gang at Malaysiakini.com and all those blasted bloggers.

Qualifies for banned list

Admittedly I've pulled my punches compared with a few of these netwits and cybercrusaders. Unlike the redoubtable Raja Petra Kamarudin, for example, I've drawn the line at challenging any of my opponents to duels to the death. Not so much out of meekness as respect for the possibility that dueling may be a prerogative of royalty, and unlike Raja Petra I'm neither a royal nor even a bumiputera, but just a foreign bumiputeh.

But despite these shortcomings, I believe my book well and truly qualifies for a place on the banned list. Even if the contents aren't sufficiently offensive to get it proscribed for political reasons, its title alone should do it on the grounds that it's deceptively and even dangerously misleading.

There's no telling how confused a Barisan Nasional member or supporter or even an innocent child might become as a result of picking-up a book calling itself Mad about Malaysia in anticipation of a racy read in praise of the nation, only to be confronted with an angry diatribe about the incumbent government.

So I still don't quite understand why this book of mine remains freely and openly on sale at gerakbudaya.com , kinibooks.com and all fine bookstores in Malaysia, unless the timing of its release is to blame. Coming out as it did just prior to Hari Raya, it may have caught the authorities napping, or away balek kampung . If this is the case we'll surely see some action this week as everyone comes back to work.

I'm encouraged to see that Deputy Energy, Water and Communications Minister Shaziman Abu Mansor is already back on the job with a vengeance, as Malaysiakini has reported his telling Parliament the other day that "The government's leniency does not give internet users freedom to misuse the facility to insult the country and its leaders," and warning that website owners, operators and writers are being watched.

He then announced that his ministry would soon be introducing a "code of ethics" through the Malaysian Communication and Multimedia Commission and has placed a deputy prosecutor with the MCMC to facilitate the investigation of offences.

Available at RM25

But Shaziman's statements raised more questions than they answered. Questions like what on earth he imagines qualifies him to utter the word "ethics" when everybody knows the political system of which he's a prominent part is corrupt, inept and unethical in the extreme. And how could he possibly retain any credibility in the light of his remark that "not many Malaysians read political blogs because they are more interested in websites that instill family values and entrepreneurship"?

Everybody over 18 (years, kilograms or IQ points) knows that Malaysians, like internet users the world over, use the internet for viewing, downloading and disseminating pornography more than for any other purpose. This no doubt suits most governments, even those as politically repressive and moralistic as Malaysia's, as at least erotic pursuits keep the populace from engaging in even more revolting activities like anti-regime blogging.

This seems an appropriate time for me to admit that my own literary endeavours aren't entirely or exclusively political, and I've completed and hope soon to find a publisher for an erotic if not pornographic book I've been working on for years. It'll never see the light of day in Malaysia, of course, as it'd be banned in an instant for obscenity.

But meanwhile my Mad about Malaysia, as full-frontal an assault as I've been able to manage on the obscene levels of corruption in government, corporate, judicial and other circles, remains available to anyone with a prurient interest in politics and RM25 to spare.

But for the sake of the message it contains, and of course for the financial well-being of my publisher, I want everyone to buy one. Which will only happen if it achieves the irresistible allure of the forbidden by getting itself on the banned list. And surely there must be a censor out there who'd be willing to do the deed, especially if I was to offer a little duit kopi on every confiscated copy.